bag o' rice

Somehow Bald One got his paws on a Costco card and came back will all kinds of junk: giant box of crackers, huge wheel of cheese, case of water. Why water? All he drinks is booze, the old sot. My favorite- the giant bag of rice. Like 20 pounds or something! No food for me but a big bag o' rice! How many years will it take Old Rice to eat all that rice? When I confonted him, he told he "got a good deal." Maybe he is planning to conduct a guerilla campaign from the swamp behind our apartment. That's guer-illa, not go-rilla. Anybody know what movie that is from?

I guess he feels justified going to Costco after driving those soccer moms to the country concert of Friday. At least this time he took me to the sitters instead of leaving me in my prison cell for hours on end. Sure I chewed on a few shoes and pooped on a few floors in my day (I even pooped in a shoe once- don't tell Long Hair), but does the punishment fit the crime?

Swagger Wagon

So Bald One put me in my cage yesterday and left- big deal. Then it got dark and very late. It felt like an eternity before he finally returned. I looked at the clock and it said 2:40 am. That rat bastard had been gone for more than 10 1/2 hours! He was up to something. I sniffed for a drug test- nothing. I sniffed for a woman- nada. I sniffed for alcohol- suspicious. So I made him take a breathalyzer- clean.

I had to call in the Spanish Inquisition- "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!" (where does that come from) and they put him in the torture chair. Eventually he confessed- he got a job! About time. He has a job driving a party bus and last night drove some drunks around for a bachelor party. How the mighty have fallen- he was once the great teacher and he now he drives the... Swagger Wagon.

Idiots and Dishwashers

Bald One was in a hurry to get to class and loaded regular dish detergent in the dishwasher. Soon a huge "cloud" of bubbles arose in the kitchen and approached my cage. I was afraid for my life! Eventually the blob started dying down but not for Bald One came back from class. He looked at the mess and then blamed me- the Rat Bastard! We made a video of the damages. Look how he humiliates me- I hate him!

Vengeance is mine!

Revenge is a dish best served cold. I think I heard that on a James Bond movie. But the death of Osama bin Laden is a dish we can all share. Just when we thought we would never get him, our moment has arrived.