Murder most foul!

Something bad has happened to Beanie Bear! Unfortunately he has met an untimely demise. It seems that someone has cut his throat? Bald One blamed me but I had nothing to do with it. I suspect the mafia, or maybe that big grey dog on TV- you know, Wilfred, he is a major trouble maker. Check out the crime scene photos taken by CSI:

Notice the white beans all over the carpet. My analysis is that that is why they call them beanie babies. They are actually plastic beads. And someone pulled some of his internal organs out.


Who would do such a terrible thing to Beanie Bear? Could it be terrorists?  Mad Dog Gadafi in retribution for losing his dictatorship (he did threaten my toys)? The neighborhood maintenance crew? Or Bald One himself? He is unreliable and unsteady. Could explain why he disposed of the body without an autopsy.


Goodbye, Beanie Bear- you were a good toy.

Rough week

The last week was a tough one. Bald One ambushed me twice. I thought we were going for a ride to see friends or family but no-oh! The first trip ended at the Vet! I hate the vet- she is so mean. And they were poking me in the butt. What sadistic person would choose to do that? The second trip ended up at the groomer- what am I, royalty? Oh yeah, I am the queen! So now I am almost bald. Like Bald One, only much better looking!

Then the rat bastard left me in the cage all weekend while he went to work. Or so he claimed- I could smell the booze on him. He may be a jerk, but he always bring home the ice cream. This one is the best from Publix- try it and you won't be disappointed! They should pay me for the advertising.

Monsters of Florida

So Bald One took me to Florida last week. For the most part I was trapped inside Nanny and Poppys' house but I did get out for a few walks. Florida is full of all kinds of vicious monsters. I had Bald One take his camera for pictures of these beasts.

So this one is called the "Solvita Gator." It was on the edge of the pond and Bald One walked up to pet it- yes, he is that stupid. I had to intervervene and chase it into the water with a lot of barking and growling. This is the picture we got afterward:

We also encountered the "Solvita Sandcrane." These vicious beasts tried to team up against me but my ninja skills prevailed and I sent them to flight. Sure, they look innocent:

This one is called the "Solvita Egrit." I was sneaking up on it almost captured it when Bald One tripped over his feet and blew my cover. It called me all kinds of names before flying away:

I don't know what these last creatures are but we saw them too:

A dark day for America

What a terrible day for all of us! First Bald One gave me a bath and then the USA women lost in the tie-breaker shoot-out! Sneak attack by the Japanese!

Carsick

Got back from Florida last night! Finally! It was the longest drive of my long life. In doggy time I was trapped in that car for 84 hours! That idiot Bald One cannot drive.

First, there was heavy rain and Bald One kept slowing down. Then he and my cousin, Michael, could not decide where to eat so they kept driving around looking for a place. When they finally stopped somewhere, at Steak n Shake, they were inside for 7 doggy hours! Then we hit some construction in South Georgia that set us back another 7 doggy hours.

After getting some gas, Bald One forced me to eat a greenie. I did not want it! So I puked it up all over the car- on the seat, the console, and I think I got Michael. Bald One pulled over fast and those two flew out of the car. Then they had to clean. Teach them to mess with me- a queen does what she wants.

Just outside of Atlanta we got stuck in traffic again! Bald One ended up taking us all around Atlanta to avoid that. Then after dropping off Michael, Bald One stopped at Publix for groceries, leaving me in the car. I hate that guy. So I have been shunning him since.

Hey, USA women play Japan for the World Cup this afternoon- let's go Marianas Turkey Shoot on them!

Fire alarm works!

Talk about loud and obnoxious.

It's all rainy and thundery and I cannot go outside so I was just getting settled in for the night and Bald One was giving me a massage when... the fire alarm started going off! Not the smoke alarm in my hallway (stupid Bald One tore that thing apart thinking he could stop the noise) but the whole building alarm. What a piercing wail! Bald One was holding his ears and howling.

Of course we could not evacuate the building because it is a downpour! Talked to some of the neighbors in the breezeway and one suggested that lightning hit and set it off. Me, I think the alarm was set off by thieves who hoped to sneak in while everyone was out and steal my toys. Just let me at those thieves! I'll bark at them and bite their ankles! Tear them apart like a squirrel!

sick rabbits

It was early in the morning yesterday when Bald One woke me up. He jumped out of bed and was shaking. Then he grabbed a couple of blankets that he wrapped up in and went back to bed. He seemed feverish so I curled up next to him to keep him warm. He must've gotten over it because he went running that day.

So last night we chased a rabbit! I was taking Bald One on his nighttime walk when we spotted a hare. As I crept closer, he ran into some bushes where I tracked him. So he hopped to another set of bushes. Rabbits are fast- faster than squirrels, perhaps? I hate squirrels! So I tracked him from bush to bush, flushing him into the open every time. I almost caught him several times but Bald One slowed me down. I could not let go of his leash- he would just wander the neighborhood yelling at me. Finally the rabbit got away. Stupid Bald One- I hate him!

bag o' rice

Somehow Bald One got his paws on a Costco card and came back will all kinds of junk: giant box of crackers, huge wheel of cheese, case of water. Why water? All he drinks is booze, the old sot. My favorite- the giant bag of rice. Like 20 pounds or something! No food for me but a big bag o' rice! How many years will it take Old Rice to eat all that rice? When I confonted him, he told he "got a good deal." Maybe he is planning to conduct a guerilla campaign from the swamp behind our apartment. That's guer-illa, not go-rilla. Anybody know what movie that is from?

I guess he feels justified going to Costco after driving those soccer moms to the country concert of Friday. At least this time he took me to the sitters instead of leaving me in my prison cell for hours on end. Sure I chewed on a few shoes and pooped on a few floors in my day (I even pooped in a shoe once- don't tell Long Hair), but does the punishment fit the crime?

Swagger Wagon

So Bald One put me in my cage yesterday and left- big deal. Then it got dark and very late. It felt like an eternity before he finally returned. I looked at the clock and it said 2:40 am. That rat bastard had been gone for more than 10 1/2 hours! He was up to something. I sniffed for a drug test- nothing. I sniffed for a woman- nada. I sniffed for alcohol- suspicious. So I made him take a breathalyzer- clean.

I had to call in the Spanish Inquisition- "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!" (where does that come from) and they put him in the torture chair. Eventually he confessed- he got a job! About time. He has a job driving a party bus and last night drove some drunks around for a bachelor party. How the mighty have fallen- he was once the great teacher and he now he drives the... Swagger Wagon.

Idiots and Dishwashers

Bald One was in a hurry to get to class and loaded regular dish detergent in the dishwasher. Soon a huge "cloud" of bubbles arose in the kitchen and approached my cage. I was afraid for my life! Eventually the blob started dying down but not for Bald One came back from class. He looked at the mess and then blamed me- the Rat Bastard! We made a video of the damages. Look how he humiliates me- I hate him!

An old friend is now a guest

Rosie is staying with us this week.  I took one look at her and announced that she could not stay unless she got a haircut.  Bald One just returned with her- she looks good!  Ears are a little short though.  Don't mention that to her; she is a bit sensitive.

Well, it seems that I have a new follower.  Be careful Kim Jong Il- you know not whom you are messing with. I will destroy you, Mad Dog of East Asia. 

Six Loads!

Busy day today- I finally got Bald One to give me a bath. I feel and smell much better now. That Bald One is getting lazy- it's a good thing I am still here to boss him around now. Afterward, I made him shave and take a shower. I think it has been about a week now since he last bathed.

Can't clean up without doing laundry. Bald One has really gotten lazy- three weeks of clothes! I had to go with him to the laundry facility to supervise his activities. Six loads! Luckily no one else was there, we took over most of the machines. With a little nudging from me, he got all the clothes folded and even put away when we got home. You know, I only saw a few pairs of underwear in there- this guy is disgusting.

Tennis update- Bald One won another round of playoffs (the first-128- was on Friday)- he is now off to the round of 32. He may not be smart, but he is brutish on the courts.

Dinner tonight- I had a sausages and the dried crap Bald One feeds me. He had burned pot stickers and steamed vegetables. I really would've liked a bite.

Six loads!

It's a teethbrush!

So Bald One must've been reading my blog...

He completed his research paper today and was walking with a smug smile, like he just cured cancer or something. Then he decided to run at Kennesaw Mountain again- I did not think he would do it.

The worst thing is... he tried to brush my teeth! First he let me taste some minty but nasty substance. Then he pinned me down and stuck a toothbrush in there. It was awful, I hate that dirty rat! I will get him back some day. Aspen does not get mad, she gets even.

On the upside, while Bald One was at school I changed the channel to watch AMC- Aliens was on- one awesome movie there. Ever wonder why awesome keeps the "e" while awful does not?

Rain is clearing up!

Help me, I am about to crazy here! Ever since Short Hair sent us away I have been stuck with Bald One. I am really getting tired of his rancid breath. Can you believe he had the audacity to tell me that it is my breath that stinks? As if! For Christmas I will buy him some new mouthwash; obviously that "Latrine" stuff he is gargling is not working.

I get caged up here quite a bit. On Sunday Bald One left me in my cage to go running around Kennesaw Mountain. I would've gone but the exercise is just not for me. He was all proud of himself, boasting about how far he ran- I think he said 50 feet? It has been raining for days keeping us inside. Looks like that is clearing up now. We'll see if he runs again or just stays lazy.

Bald One has been working on some kind of research paper for days now. At least he thinks that what he is doing. I have observed a lot of surfing the Internet and scratching of the armpits. He thinks getting more education will make him better than me! I never attended a day of classes after puppy training and look at me- I have my own blog!

A Queen does what she wants

I just pooped in the house.  Bald One is pissed but he is cleaning it up, like the good Help he is.  I thought about telling him I needed to go but he was in the next room.  I am a busy person.

And why shouldn't a Queen poop where she pleases?  Let's look back into history at other Queens:

Mary I of England (Bloody Mary)- upon her coronation she announced "I will poop on all Protestants."

Catherine II (the Great) of Russia- "Expand our orders to the south so that I may poop in the Black Sea."

and let's not forget Marie Antoinette of France (originally from Austria), she is famous for one quote but it is incomplete; I will finish it for you- "Let them eat cake and clean up my poop!"  Just to set the record strait.

I will probably be spending some jail time with limited email access.  I hope they have cable.

Bald One vs. Harley Davidson

I heard this story about the time Bald One and Short Hair rented a scooter in Mexico while on their honeymoon. Apparently Bald One is not a good driver.  This is actual footage of what happened.

FAIL - Church Biker - watch more funny videos

Toll Booth Willie

Short Hair has been very frustrated with her drive to work.  The security cameras caught her last week trying to take a short cut to get to work faster.

FAIL - Crazy Woman Jumps Tollbooth in Her Car - watch more funny videos

Pink Ribbon

Another ambush from Bald One.  I hate him!

Yesterday Stick in the Butt and I went for our morning walk, dragging Bald One along with us.  He is really a grouch on these walks.  First, we have to drag him out of bed.  It requires a lot of whining by Stick in the Butt and scratching from me (I have mastered the art of scratching my face at a very loud volume).  Once we get him up we have to get coffee into him. Then after a visit to the bathroom he is ready to go. Rarely does he brush his teeth- disgusting!  On the walk, we go ahead on point, dragging Bald One.  Humans really should use all four limbs when walking.  We head down Menlo Drive and up to the top of the hill.  Bald One can barely make it. Then we roll him back down and hike to the pool.  We stop for a drink at the fountain- we make Bald One carry a portable bowl- and then it is back home.

I should've known something was up.  As hard as we tried, we could not get Bald One up the hill.  Skipping that part of the walk shortened our walk by five minutes- that's 35 minutes in dog-time!  And when we got home- the leashes did not come off.  He hustled us into his car for a ride.  At first I was excited- vacation time!  But wait, there was no luggage!  Stick in the Butt panicked- we were going to the vet!  We tried to escape, but Bald One locked all the doors.  We cried and we fought him, all in vain.  However, when the car stopped, we were not at the vet.  Bald One took us inside a building- there were no people but lots of dog paraphernelia all around.  It was eerie.  Then in came THE MEAN LADY- I fought her tooth and nail to no avail- she drug me into the back room.  There I was forced to fight for my life against a mob of humans but in the end I was humiliated.  Look what they did to me!

Take the Brain Quiz... you know you want to!

So nobody wants to take the brain quiz... come on. Succumb to the peer pressure that is me and do it. All the cool kids are. Bill Gates has promised to donate $10 for everyone who takes the brain quiz and posts the results. See my previous blog for the quiz. All proceeds go to "The Human Fund." This is legit.


Here are some more interesting workout people Bald One was talking about from the gym:

5) the hider. This guy is hiding from his wife in the gym. He spends hours there every day. Actual phone conversation: "Honey, I need you to head home and pick up some tampons on the way." "I can't dear; I have 17 more sets to pump up my flactoid. See you next week!" Coward.

6) the delusional. This person thinks he is working out hard but is lifting only ten pounds! "I did 2 sets of 10 reps on the chest press today! Feel my muscles?" 200 whole pounds...you didn't exert yourself- no pain, no gain! Wimp.

7) the FONG... or Fat Old Naked Guy. He hangs out in the bathroom a lot. He is old, he is fat, and he is naked! His junk is exposed as he shaves wearing only flip flops. Does this man have a home? The horror... the horror.

Did I miss anyone? Have you observed any interesting people at the gym?

Olfactory Senses

I was touring the backyard when I heard some rustling in the brush. I turned around and motioned Bald One to be silent. His big butt can be quite noisy sometimes- ha ha! I crept up to the edge of the brush to check it out. My olfactory senses detected prey! Did you know that dogs are superior to humans in that we can smell a thousand times better than you? That's why we are always sniffing- looking for food, looking for trouble, and when we smell butts, we can tell precisely when that person last farted. But I digress...

I smelled and looked and there it was- a brown hoppy thingy. It stood up tall and looked around- my what big ears it had! I noticed its eyes- they were set in the sides of the head so it could see all around, looking for predators. Me, my eyes are set in the front, looking forward, because I am the predator. I signalled Bald One to release me from the leash, he did. I crept forward to get into attack position. It did not see me so I prepared to pounce. Just then, Stick in the Butt started barking and my cover was blown. The brown hoppy thingy took off hopping- it was fast! I burst through the brush after it and ran headlong into a tall hard thingy. Ouch my head hurt! Bald One laughed at me and said it was called a "tree." I really hate that guy!

Please, tell me how much you hate the Bald One. Has he done anything horrible to you? I'll bet he has.