Fire alarm works!

Talk about loud and obnoxious.

It's all rainy and thundery and I cannot go outside so I was just getting settled in for the night and Bald One was giving me a massage when... the fire alarm started going off! Not the smoke alarm in my hallway (stupid Bald One tore that thing apart thinking he could stop the noise) but the whole building alarm. What a piercing wail! Bald One was holding his ears and howling.

Of course we could not evacuate the building because it is a downpour! Talked to some of the neighbors in the breezeway and one suggested that lightning hit and set it off. Me, I think the alarm was set off by thieves who hoped to sneak in while everyone was out and steal my toys. Just let me at those thieves! I'll bark at them and bite their ankles! Tear them apart like a squirrel!

Def Leppard

Bald One did it again! He said he would be gone for "a little while" and then was gone for like forever! Apparently he drove some party people to the Heart/Def Leppard concert, or so he claims. He did not get home until 3am. Doesn't he know that in dog time he was gone for more than three days! I should leave him a "present" in the closet. I demand that he find a job with normal times. Preferably one with very few hours that pays him a lot of money and he can buy me the coolest toys and the fanciest foods. Only the finest for the Queen of the Trees!

On another note- Bald One is making me watch a show on Prairie "Dogs." Those are not dogs! They look more like squirrels. I hate squirrels. Damn freedom-hating squirrels. One day I will figure out how to get up a tree and then they will get it!

RIP Rosie

Goodbye Rosie, we miss you and think about you every day.

Three things you loved:
1) your family
2) hiding your bones
3) ice cream

Three things you hated:
1) other dogs, especially George
2) storms
3) geting your picture taken

Curl up with Luke in doggie heaven.

bag o' rice

Somehow Bald One got his paws on a Costco card and came back will all kinds of junk: giant box of crackers, huge wheel of cheese, case of water. Why water? All he drinks is booze, the old sot. My favorite- the giant bag of rice. Like 20 pounds or something! No food for me but a big bag o' rice! How many years will it take Old Rice to eat all that rice? When I confonted him, he told he "got a good deal." Maybe he is planning to conduct a guerilla campaign from the swamp behind our apartment. That's guer-illa, not go-rilla. Anybody know what movie that is from?

I guess he feels justified going to Costco after driving those soccer moms to the country concert of Friday. At least this time he took me to the sitters instead of leaving me in my prison cell for hours on end. Sure I chewed on a few shoes and pooped on a few floors in my day (I even pooped in a shoe once- don't tell Long Hair), but does the punishment fit the crime?

Swagger Wagon

So Bald One put me in my cage yesterday and left- big deal. Then it got dark and very late. It felt like an eternity before he finally returned. I looked at the clock and it said 2:40 am. That rat bastard had been gone for more than 10 1/2 hours! He was up to something. I sniffed for a drug test- nothing. I sniffed for a woman- nada. I sniffed for alcohol- suspicious. So I made him take a breathalyzer- clean.

I had to call in the Spanish Inquisition- "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!" (where does that come from) and they put him in the torture chair. Eventually he confessed- he got a job! About time. He has a job driving a party bus and last night drove some drunks around for a bachelor party. How the mighty have fallen- he was once the great teacher and he now he drives the... Swagger Wagon.

Idiots and Dishwashers

Bald One was in a hurry to get to class and loaded regular dish detergent in the dishwasher. Soon a huge "cloud" of bubbles arose in the kitchen and approached my cage. I was afraid for my life! Eventually the blob started dying down but not for Bald One came back from class. He looked at the mess and then blamed me- the Rat Bastard! We made a video of the damages. Look how he humiliates me- I hate him!

Six Loads!

Busy day today- I finally got Bald One to give me a bath. I feel and smell much better now. That Bald One is getting lazy- it's a good thing I am still here to boss him around now. Afterward, I made him shave and take a shower. I think it has been about a week now since he last bathed.

Can't clean up without doing laundry. Bald One has really gotten lazy- three weeks of clothes! I had to go with him to the laundry facility to supervise his activities. Six loads! Luckily no one else was there, we took over most of the machines. With a little nudging from me, he got all the clothes folded and even put away when we got home. You know, I only saw a few pairs of underwear in there- this guy is disgusting.

Tennis update- Bald One won another round of playoffs (the first-128- was on Friday)- he is now off to the round of 32. He may not be smart, but he is brutish on the courts.

Dinner tonight- I had a sausages and the dried crap Bald One feeds me. He had burned pot stickers and steamed vegetables. I really would've liked a bite.

Six loads!

It's a teethbrush!

So Bald One must've been reading my blog...

He completed his research paper today and was walking with a smug smile, like he just cured cancer or something. Then he decided to run at Kennesaw Mountain again- I did not think he would do it.

The worst thing is... he tried to brush my teeth! First he let me taste some minty but nasty substance. Then he pinned me down and stuck a toothbrush in there. It was awful, I hate that dirty rat! I will get him back some day. Aspen does not get mad, she gets even.

On the upside, while Bald One was at school I changed the channel to watch AMC- Aliens was on- one awesome movie there. Ever wonder why awesome keeps the "e" while awful does not?

A Queen does what she wants

I just pooped in the house.  Bald One is pissed but he is cleaning it up, like the good Help he is.  I thought about telling him I needed to go but he was in the next room.  I am a busy person.

And why shouldn't a Queen poop where she pleases?  Let's look back into history at other Queens:

Mary I of England (Bloody Mary)- upon her coronation she announced "I will poop on all Protestants."

Catherine II (the Great) of Russia- "Expand our orders to the south so that I may poop in the Black Sea."

and let's not forget Marie Antoinette of France (originally from Austria), she is famous for one quote but it is incomplete; I will finish it for you- "Let them eat cake and clean up my poop!"  Just to set the record strait.

I will probably be spending some jail time with limited email access.  I hope they have cable.

Bald One vs. Harley Davidson

I heard this story about the time Bald One and Short Hair rented a scooter in Mexico while on their honeymoon. Apparently Bald One is not a good driver.  This is actual footage of what happened.

FAIL - Church Biker - watch more funny videos

Toll Booth Willie

Short Hair has been very frustrated with her drive to work.  The security cameras caught her last week trying to take a short cut to get to work faster.

FAIL - Crazy Woman Jumps Tollbooth in Her Car - watch more funny videos

Looking for my soulmate.

I am Lazy Old Fart but you can call me Luke.  My number one goal is to please you.  My hobbies include playing fetch, howling up the neighborhood, and sunset walks on the beach.  You are a gentle lady and don't want kids- I've been snipped anyway.  You are looking for the man who will treat you the way you've always deserved.  I will roll the last meatball to you, just like the Tramp.  You don't mind a guy who eats poop; that is not negotiable. 

If interested, leave a note in the comments section... romance is just around the corner.

Take the Brain Quiz... you know you want to!

So nobody wants to take the brain quiz... come on. Succumb to the peer pressure that is me and do it. All the cool kids are. Bill Gates has promised to donate $10 for everyone who takes the brain quiz and posts the results. See my previous blog for the quiz. All proceeds go to "The Human Fund." This is legit.


Here are some more interesting workout people Bald One was talking about from the gym:

5) the hider. This guy is hiding from his wife in the gym. He spends hours there every day. Actual phone conversation: "Honey, I need you to head home and pick up some tampons on the way." "I can't dear; I have 17 more sets to pump up my flactoid. See you next week!" Coward.

6) the delusional. This person thinks he is working out hard but is lifting only ten pounds! "I did 2 sets of 10 reps on the chest press today! Feel my muscles?" 200 whole pounds...you didn't exert yourself- no pain, no gain! Wimp.

7) the FONG... or Fat Old Naked Guy. He hangs out in the bathroom a lot. He is old, he is fat, and he is naked! His junk is exposed as he shaves wearing only flip flops. Does this man have a home? The horror... the horror.

Did I miss anyone? Have you observed any interesting people at the gym?

Believe me now or believe me later, I will pump you up!

Today was "take your daughter to workout day" so Bald One took me to the gym. It made for an exciting afternoon. Bald One started with a run on the tread mill. I decided to run on the one next to him. He huffed and puffed but could only clear half a mile in 30 minutes. In the same time I trotted over 4 miles. That guy is slow! Then we went into the weight machine area. Bald One spent most of his time staring glassy eyed out the window. Occasionally he scratched his butt and once he picked his nose. Then he would move to another machine. Me, I lifted over 500,000 pounds! As I cruised around the gym, hordes of kids followed me around, similar to a Rocky movie. Someone was singing a song- "Getting stronger...."

While at the gym I made some observations about people. I will of course share a few:
1) the talker. This person sits on the machine. Maybe he is finished, maybe he hasn't even started yet. He gets involved in a conversation and stops the workout. Meanwhile, I am waiting for the machine. Jerk.

2) the camper. This guy occupies one machine for a long period of time, doing multiple sets. Meanwhile, I am waiting for the machine. Just when I think you are done, another set! Bastard.
(Although I would never call you this to your face- you are usually built like Buff Bagwell. Anybody remember him?)

3) the phonester. This hipster needs to talk during his workout. While peddling the exercise bike, walking laps, or trying to lift weights. That last one is amusing to watch- one hand holding the phone to the ear, talking louding, trying to bench press at the same time. Goofball.

4) the looker. This one isn't really serious about the workout. He usually wears a muscle shirt and walks around, looking at the equipment. When he sees a vulnerable looking woman he'll move in for a conversation. He moves around a lot, looking busy, but not there to break a sweat. You think you're cool, but I'm onto you. Doofus.

Olfactory Senses

I was touring the backyard when I heard some rustling in the brush. I turned around and motioned Bald One to be silent. His big butt can be quite noisy sometimes- ha ha! I crept up to the edge of the brush to check it out. My olfactory senses detected prey! Did you know that dogs are superior to humans in that we can smell a thousand times better than you? That's why we are always sniffing- looking for food, looking for trouble, and when we smell butts, we can tell precisely when that person last farted. But I digress...

I smelled and looked and there it was- a brown hoppy thingy. It stood up tall and looked around- my what big ears it had! I noticed its eyes- they were set in the sides of the head so it could see all around, looking for predators. Me, my eyes are set in the front, looking forward, because I am the predator. I signalled Bald One to release me from the leash, he did. I crept forward to get into attack position. It did not see me so I prepared to pounce. Just then, Stick in the Butt started barking and my cover was blown. The brown hoppy thingy took off hopping- it was fast! I burst through the brush after it and ran headlong into a tall hard thingy. Ouch my head hurt! Bald One laughed at me and said it was called a "tree." I really hate that guy!

Please, tell me how much you hate the Bald One. Has he done anything horrible to you? I'll bet he has.

Bird has flown

Did I tell you about my pet bird? A few weeks ago I noticed some rustling in one of Short One's outdoor hanging flowers so I told Bald One to check it out. Just then, a bird flew away. Bald One grabbed the pot and brought it down for my inspection. Sure enough, there was a nest with a few eggs in it. In a few days, one of them hatched. I decided to name him Junior and I nutured him by checking on him every day and giving him water. Isn't he a cutie?! This morning when I ordered Bald One to bring him down so I could see, he was gone! I guess Junior grew up and flew away. I am a little sad. Now all I need is for Bald One to grow up and fly away- I hate that guy!

Rabbit Season! Duck Season! Rabbit Season!

Stick in the Butt and I were exploring the backyard when we came across this brown hoppy thingy. It was really exciting! Stick in the Butt was growling in fear while I was barking excitedly, ready to chase him down and make him my biyatch. Right when I tore off after it Bald One jerked my leash- I hate that jerk! The hoppy thingy escaped into the bushes so we growled and barked at it, daring it to come back onto our turf. Next time we will teach it a lesson.

Here is an actual conversation between Long Hair and Bald One- get a load of these two:
Long Hair: ummmm, I'll be like working tomorrow, ummm I have to be there at 10:00.
Bald One: so what time do you need to leave, I say I say?
Long Hair: ummm, I leave like at 9:30.
Bald One: so how long does it take to get there, I say I say?
Long: ummm, about eight minutes. But sometimes there is like, you know, traffic.
Bald One: How much traffic are you expecting at 9:30 in the morning that you are allowing for 22 extra minutes, I say I say?
Long Hair: well, ummm, I have to be there 15 minutes early, you know?
Bald One: so you have to be there at 9:45, not 10.

So what happened to all the futbol nuts? Stranger and Bald One would plop their fat butts on the couch and watch soccer matches all the time. It was all over the news. And since Saturday, all is quiet on the Western Front. Where did all the fans go?

Ambush!

Yesterday we had two good ambushes. Bald One got me first- he is one Tricky Dick Jerk- I hate him! He lured me upstairs and then trapped me in the bathroom. No amount of growling or running in circles could save me. He gave me a bath and I hated it! The water on my blonde hair, soaking me like a drowned rat. On the upside, I do smell better now.

Looking to strike back, I decided that Long Hair would feel my wrath. Did I ever tell you that she is afraid of puppets? I could not reach that high so I manipulated Bald One (he is my puppet) to place the marionette in Long Hair's closet. She spazzed out and went screaming through the house, accusing everyone, especially Bald One. It is kind of creepy looking, don't you agree?

So how about you? Has anyone ever ambushed you? Or do you like to ambush people? What is your favorite ambush?

The return of the Younglings

Long Hair and Stranger have finally returned! They were gone for what seemed like doggie years! Stranger kind of comes and goes as he pleases, but I am not used to Long Hair taking off like that. I think she went to California to get rich and famous. She keeps talking about that. And everybody knows that is the place to go. But wait! Bald One (I hate him!) is from California. I heard talking about it the other day. Is he rich? No, he can't even hold a job! Is he famous? No, unless you count his picture in the AJC the other day, in the background, picking his ear wax. Did I ever tell you that he is obsessed with ear hairs? He is always plucking them! Me, I like lots of ear hair. Keeps the mites away. Short Hair was very excited to see her pups return. I am glad they have returned- more underwear for me to sniff out and hide!

No wait, I did see Bald One on TV once- it was America's Most Wanted. What about you? Are your parents wanted by the law? Should they be?

I am still Alpha!

Did I ever tell you about the time that Long Hair and Bald One had a contest to see who could go the longest without showering? Long Hair won- five days! There's one to make momma proud. Me, I hate baths. Except for the drying off process- I feel like I am getting a massage. This is coming up because Bald One- I hate him!- has been threatening to give me a bath. I presented him with an ultimatum- I wake him at 6 every day with my awesome morning breath or he backs down. So far he is staying in his place. As he should.