Vacation

I saw another brown hoppy thingy today- they are everywhere! This place is becoming infested like Australia. I took off after it but crashed into this wire metal thingy. Bald One laughed at me and told me it was called a "fence." Whose idea was that? Why keep a dog from her prey? Let me loose and I will take care of the brown hoppy thingy problem.

So now I understand how Forrest Gump felt every time someone asked him where his father was. People keep asking me where my mother is (for those of you who don't know, that's Short Hair), and all I can say is "vacation!" She went to Kentucky (I am so jealous) one week, New York City (more jealous) last week, and is in Chicago now (JEALOUS!). Just last night I overheard her talking on the computer machine saying she will be in New York again next week! She has been leaving me all alone with this psycho Bald One- I hate it! He wakes me up early every morning for wind sprints up and down the hills of my neighbrohood. He is wearing me out! Now he is taking Stick in the Butt and I for wind sprints in the evening. I can't take it anymore! Aren't moms supposed to protect us? What is this- "The Biggest Loser" for dogs? I need a vacation from the Help. Sucks to be me.

I miss my mom!

Rabbit Season! Duck Season! Rabbit Season!

Stick in the Butt and I were exploring the backyard when we came across this brown hoppy thingy. It was really exciting! Stick in the Butt was growling in fear while I was barking excitedly, ready to chase him down and make him my biyatch. Right when I tore off after it Bald One jerked my leash- I hate that jerk! The hoppy thingy escaped into the bushes so we growled and barked at it, daring it to come back onto our turf. Next time we will teach it a lesson.

Here is an actual conversation between Long Hair and Bald One- get a load of these two:
Long Hair: ummmm, I'll be like working tomorrow, ummm I have to be there at 10:00.
Bald One: so what time do you need to leave, I say I say?
Long Hair: ummm, I leave like at 9:30.
Bald One: so how long does it take to get there, I say I say?
Long: ummm, about eight minutes. But sometimes there is like, you know, traffic.
Bald One: How much traffic are you expecting at 9:30 in the morning that you are allowing for 22 extra minutes, I say I say?
Long Hair: well, ummm, I have to be there 15 minutes early, you know?
Bald One: so you have to be there at 9:45, not 10.

So what happened to all the futbol nuts? Stranger and Bald One would plop their fat butts on the couch and watch soccer matches all the time. It was all over the news. And since Saturday, all is quiet on the Western Front. Where did all the fans go?

Ambush!

Yesterday we had two good ambushes. Bald One got me first- he is one Tricky Dick Jerk- I hate him! He lured me upstairs and then trapped me in the bathroom. No amount of growling or running in circles could save me. He gave me a bath and I hated it! The water on my blonde hair, soaking me like a drowned rat. On the upside, I do smell better now.

Looking to strike back, I decided that Long Hair would feel my wrath. Did I ever tell you that she is afraid of puppets? I could not reach that high so I manipulated Bald One (he is my puppet) to place the marionette in Long Hair's closet. She spazzed out and went screaming through the house, accusing everyone, especially Bald One. It is kind of creepy looking, don't you agree?

So how about you? Has anyone ever ambushed you? Or do you like to ambush people? What is your favorite ambush?

The return of the Younglings

Long Hair and Stranger have finally returned! They were gone for what seemed like doggie years! Stranger kind of comes and goes as he pleases, but I am not used to Long Hair taking off like that. I think she went to California to get rich and famous. She keeps talking about that. And everybody knows that is the place to go. But wait! Bald One (I hate him!) is from California. I heard talking about it the other day. Is he rich? No, he can't even hold a job! Is he famous? No, unless you count his picture in the AJC the other day, in the background, picking his ear wax. Did I ever tell you that he is obsessed with ear hairs? He is always plucking them! Me, I like lots of ear hair. Keeps the mites away. Short Hair was very excited to see her pups return. I am glad they have returned- more underwear for me to sniff out and hide!

No wait, I did see Bald One on TV once- it was America's Most Wanted. What about you? Are your parents wanted by the law? Should they be?

I am still Alpha!

Did I ever tell you about the time that Long Hair and Bald One had a contest to see who could go the longest without showering? Long Hair won- five days! There's one to make momma proud. Me, I hate baths. Except for the drying off process- I feel like I am getting a massage. This is coming up because Bald One- I hate him!- has been threatening to give me a bath. I presented him with an ultimatum- I wake him at 6 every day with my awesome morning breath or he backs down. So far he is staying in his place. As he should.

Dog Abuse!

I was digging through my old puppy pictures and look what I found! This is abuse on so many levels. Bald One must have come up with this brilliant idea- I hate him.

1) They are keeping me in a plastic container! Since when was it appropriate to keep people in a storage bin? Are they getting ready to put me in the closet, to be pulled out next spring when the weather changes?

2) They have got me on the stove! What are they planning to do- cook me? Hot dog for sure! Bald One keeps talking about how his favorite food is a hot dog- I never realized he was a cannibal.

3) I am very high off the floor! Say I use my superior leaping skills, jump the edge of the container, and then plunge hundreds of feet to the floor, breaking one of my beautiful paws? Do these fools even have me covered on their insurance?

How about you, how have you been abused by the Help?