Monsters of Florida

So Bald One took me to Florida last week. For the most part I was trapped inside Nanny and Poppys' house but I did get out for a few walks. Florida is full of all kinds of vicious monsters. I had Bald One take his camera for pictures of these beasts.

So this one is called the "Solvita Gator." It was on the edge of the pond and Bald One walked up to pet it- yes, he is that stupid. I had to intervervene and chase it into the water with a lot of barking and growling. This is the picture we got afterward:

We also encountered the "Solvita Sandcrane." These vicious beasts tried to team up against me but my ninja skills prevailed and I sent them to flight. Sure, they look innocent:

This one is called the "Solvita Egrit." I was sneaking up on it almost captured it when Bald One tripped over his feet and blew my cover. It called me all kinds of names before flying away:

I don't know what these last creatures are but we saw them too:

Looking for my soulmate.

I am Lazy Old Fart but you can call me Luke.  My number one goal is to please you.  My hobbies include playing fetch, howling up the neighborhood, and sunset walks on the beach.  You are a gentle lady and don't want kids- I've been snipped anyway.  You are looking for the man who will treat you the way you've always deserved.  I will roll the last meatball to you, just like the Tramp.  You don't mind a guy who eats poop; that is not negotiable. 

If interested, leave a note in the comments section... romance is just around the corner.

Take the Brain Quiz... you know you want to!

So nobody wants to take the brain quiz... come on. Succumb to the peer pressure that is me and do it. All the cool kids are. Bill Gates has promised to donate $10 for everyone who takes the brain quiz and posts the results. See my previous blog for the quiz. All proceeds go to "The Human Fund." This is legit.


Here are some more interesting workout people Bald One was talking about from the gym:

5) the hider. This guy is hiding from his wife in the gym. He spends hours there every day. Actual phone conversation: "Honey, I need you to head home and pick up some tampons on the way." "I can't dear; I have 17 more sets to pump up my flactoid. See you next week!" Coward.

6) the delusional. This person thinks he is working out hard but is lifting only ten pounds! "I did 2 sets of 10 reps on the chest press today! Feel my muscles?" 200 whole pounds...you didn't exert yourself- no pain, no gain! Wimp.

7) the FONG... or Fat Old Naked Guy. He hangs out in the bathroom a lot. He is old, he is fat, and he is naked! His junk is exposed as he shaves wearing only flip flops. Does this man have a home? The horror... the horror.

Did I miss anyone? Have you observed any interesting people at the gym?

Believe me now or believe me later, I will pump you up!

Today was "take your daughter to workout day" so Bald One took me to the gym. It made for an exciting afternoon. Bald One started with a run on the tread mill. I decided to run on the one next to him. He huffed and puffed but could only clear half a mile in 30 minutes. In the same time I trotted over 4 miles. That guy is slow! Then we went into the weight machine area. Bald One spent most of his time staring glassy eyed out the window. Occasionally he scratched his butt and once he picked his nose. Then he would move to another machine. Me, I lifted over 500,000 pounds! As I cruised around the gym, hordes of kids followed me around, similar to a Rocky movie. Someone was singing a song- "Getting stronger...."

While at the gym I made some observations about people. I will of course share a few:
1) the talker. This person sits on the machine. Maybe he is finished, maybe he hasn't even started yet. He gets involved in a conversation and stops the workout. Meanwhile, I am waiting for the machine. Jerk.

2) the camper. This guy occupies one machine for a long period of time, doing multiple sets. Meanwhile, I am waiting for the machine. Just when I think you are done, another set! Bastard.
(Although I would never call you this to your face- you are usually built like Buff Bagwell. Anybody remember him?)

3) the phonester. This hipster needs to talk during his workout. While peddling the exercise bike, walking laps, or trying to lift weights. That last one is amusing to watch- one hand holding the phone to the ear, talking louding, trying to bench press at the same time. Goofball.

4) the looker. This one isn't really serious about the workout. He usually wears a muscle shirt and walks around, looking at the equipment. When he sees a vulnerable looking woman he'll move in for a conversation. He moves around a lot, looking busy, but not there to break a sweat. You think you're cool, but I'm onto you. Doofus.

Olfactory Senses

I was touring the backyard when I heard some rustling in the brush. I turned around and motioned Bald One to be silent. His big butt can be quite noisy sometimes- ha ha! I crept up to the edge of the brush to check it out. My olfactory senses detected prey! Did you know that dogs are superior to humans in that we can smell a thousand times better than you? That's why we are always sniffing- looking for food, looking for trouble, and when we smell butts, we can tell precisely when that person last farted. But I digress...

I smelled and looked and there it was- a brown hoppy thingy. It stood up tall and looked around- my what big ears it had! I noticed its eyes- they were set in the sides of the head so it could see all around, looking for predators. Me, my eyes are set in the front, looking forward, because I am the predator. I signalled Bald One to release me from the leash, he did. I crept forward to get into attack position. It did not see me so I prepared to pounce. Just then, Stick in the Butt started barking and my cover was blown. The brown hoppy thingy took off hopping- it was fast! I burst through the brush after it and ran headlong into a tall hard thingy. Ouch my head hurt! Bald One laughed at me and said it was called a "tree." I really hate that guy!

Please, tell me how much you hate the Bald One. Has he done anything horrible to you? I'll bet he has.

Bird has flown

Did I tell you about my pet bird? A few weeks ago I noticed some rustling in one of Short One's outdoor hanging flowers so I told Bald One to check it out. Just then, a bird flew away. Bald One grabbed the pot and brought it down for my inspection. Sure enough, there was a nest with a few eggs in it. In a few days, one of them hatched. I decided to name him Junior and I nutured him by checking on him every day and giving him water. Isn't he a cutie?! This morning when I ordered Bald One to bring him down so I could see, he was gone! I guess Junior grew up and flew away. I am a little sad. Now all I need is for Bald One to grow up and fly away- I hate that guy!

Vacation

I saw another brown hoppy thingy today- they are everywhere! This place is becoming infested like Australia. I took off after it but crashed into this wire metal thingy. Bald One laughed at me and told me it was called a "fence." Whose idea was that? Why keep a dog from her prey? Let me loose and I will take care of the brown hoppy thingy problem.

So now I understand how Forrest Gump felt every time someone asked him where his father was. People keep asking me where my mother is (for those of you who don't know, that's Short Hair), and all I can say is "vacation!" She went to Kentucky (I am so jealous) one week, New York City (more jealous) last week, and is in Chicago now (JEALOUS!). Just last night I overheard her talking on the computer machine saying she will be in New York again next week! She has been leaving me all alone with this psycho Bald One- I hate it! He wakes me up early every morning for wind sprints up and down the hills of my neighbrohood. He is wearing me out! Now he is taking Stick in the Butt and I for wind sprints in the evening. I can't take it anymore! Aren't moms supposed to protect us? What is this- "The Biggest Loser" for dogs? I need a vacation from the Help. Sucks to be me.

I miss my mom!

Rabbit Season! Duck Season! Rabbit Season!

Stick in the Butt and I were exploring the backyard when we came across this brown hoppy thingy. It was really exciting! Stick in the Butt was growling in fear while I was barking excitedly, ready to chase him down and make him my biyatch. Right when I tore off after it Bald One jerked my leash- I hate that jerk! The hoppy thingy escaped into the bushes so we growled and barked at it, daring it to come back onto our turf. Next time we will teach it a lesson.

Here is an actual conversation between Long Hair and Bald One- get a load of these two:
Long Hair: ummmm, I'll be like working tomorrow, ummm I have to be there at 10:00.
Bald One: so what time do you need to leave, I say I say?
Long Hair: ummm, I leave like at 9:30.
Bald One: so how long does it take to get there, I say I say?
Long: ummm, about eight minutes. But sometimes there is like, you know, traffic.
Bald One: How much traffic are you expecting at 9:30 in the morning that you are allowing for 22 extra minutes, I say I say?
Long Hair: well, ummm, I have to be there 15 minutes early, you know?
Bald One: so you have to be there at 9:45, not 10.

So what happened to all the futbol nuts? Stranger and Bald One would plop their fat butts on the couch and watch soccer matches all the time. It was all over the news. And since Saturday, all is quiet on the Western Front. Where did all the fans go?

Ambush!

Yesterday we had two good ambushes. Bald One got me first- he is one Tricky Dick Jerk- I hate him! He lured me upstairs and then trapped me in the bathroom. No amount of growling or running in circles could save me. He gave me a bath and I hated it! The water on my blonde hair, soaking me like a drowned rat. On the upside, I do smell better now.

Looking to strike back, I decided that Long Hair would feel my wrath. Did I ever tell you that she is afraid of puppets? I could not reach that high so I manipulated Bald One (he is my puppet) to place the marionette in Long Hair's closet. She spazzed out and went screaming through the house, accusing everyone, especially Bald One. It is kind of creepy looking, don't you agree?

So how about you? Has anyone ever ambushed you? Or do you like to ambush people? What is your favorite ambush?

The return of the Younglings

Long Hair and Stranger have finally returned! They were gone for what seemed like doggie years! Stranger kind of comes and goes as he pleases, but I am not used to Long Hair taking off like that. I think she went to California to get rich and famous. She keeps talking about that. And everybody knows that is the place to go. But wait! Bald One (I hate him!) is from California. I heard talking about it the other day. Is he rich? No, he can't even hold a job! Is he famous? No, unless you count his picture in the AJC the other day, in the background, picking his ear wax. Did I ever tell you that he is obsessed with ear hairs? He is always plucking them! Me, I like lots of ear hair. Keeps the mites away. Short Hair was very excited to see her pups return. I am glad they have returned- more underwear for me to sniff out and hide!

No wait, I did see Bald One on TV once- it was America's Most Wanted. What about you? Are your parents wanted by the law? Should they be?

I am still Alpha!

Did I ever tell you about the time that Long Hair and Bald One had a contest to see who could go the longest without showering? Long Hair won- five days! There's one to make momma proud. Me, I hate baths. Except for the drying off process- I feel like I am getting a massage. This is coming up because Bald One- I hate him!- has been threatening to give me a bath. I presented him with an ultimatum- I wake him at 6 every day with my awesome morning breath or he backs down. So far he is staying in his place. As he should.

Dog Abuse!

I was digging through my old puppy pictures and look what I found! This is abuse on so many levels. Bald One must have come up with this brilliant idea- I hate him.

1) They are keeping me in a plastic container! Since when was it appropriate to keep people in a storage bin? Are they getting ready to put me in the closet, to be pulled out next spring when the weather changes?

2) They have got me on the stove! What are they planning to do- cook me? Hot dog for sure! Bald One keeps talking about how his favorite food is a hot dog- I never realized he was a cannibal.

3) I am very high off the floor! Say I use my superior leaping skills, jump the edge of the container, and then plunge hundreds of feet to the floor, breaking one of my beautiful paws? Do these fools even have me covered on their insurance?

How about you, how have you been abused by the Help?

Off of restriction

I am back! Stupid Bald One thought he could keep me off here forever. I hate him! oops! I mean, I respect his point of view. And his shiny forehead! What happened to him? Did he ever have hair? But I digress.

My grandparents are in town! It seems that my cousin Zooey is graduating from high school so they have come from the land of q-tips to visit. High school... who needs an education? I haven't attended a day of school and look how superior my intelligence is- I am Alpha! Everything I have learned is from surfing the internet or watching TV. Right now I am watching the first episode of Community. There is a lot ot be learned about college life from that one. I love that show. Much better than those Real Housewives shows Short Hair likes to watch. Nothing about those women is real- especially their boobs.

marathon girl

So I have actually been on two walks in a row. I feel like I am training for a marathon. The Help was all huffing and puffing up and down the streets while I was strutting my stuff. I swear Bald One was about to pass out. I hate him, he is such a jerk. Short Hair kept tripping over the curbs, what a klutz! And then there is Stick-in-the-Butt... she has to stop every 20 feet to pee. What puzzles me is how she can squeeze that much out so many times.

Birthday countdown- don't tell Long Hair I crapped on her comforter!

It wasn't me!

Someone has been peeing in the house. So of course the Help blames me. I could hear Short Hair trash-talking me to Bald One. What do they know? I did not do it but I know who did. Notice that the pee stains appeared as Stranger returned from school... coincidence? I think not! He is a sketchy character. He and his lady friend, Twiggy.

Did I tell you that the Help is unemployed? Both Short Hair and Bald One (I hate him!) have lost their jobs. Stupid, incompetent, goofballs. This gives them more time to wait on me. One of them had better get a job soon... the queen will not go hungry!

All of my adoring fans... please leave a comment and let me know great I am!

Strut like a runway model!

Oh, this has been a busy week for me. I had some embarassing episodes but it ended with a pampering! And now Stranger is back.

Let's start with the embarassment... Long Hair and Short Hair were having a really boring conversation, I think it was about some little boy named Justin Bubblehead. Anywho, I tried to join in but they just shooshed me. I had to fart but this one had lumps! I sharted! So I headed over to jail, I knew what was coming. Short Hair locked me up while Long Hair proclaimed how excited she was that it didn't happen in her room.

But everything is okay now; I had a make-over and I look fabulous! Lady Gaga step aside! Stick-in-Butt got scared and pooped all over the place- what a whuss.

Bald One is all over himself. Apparently he created his own brew and is crowing about it and how it is ready to taste tonight. I hope it is skanky beer! I hate him!

Well, the weekend is finally here so I will have time to relax. It is hard work being the Queen!

spenders vs. savers

Today I learned something about the world- some dogs are spenders, others are savers. I ordered the Bald One to take me outside (Stick-in-the-Butt had to come of course) and as we wandering the back yard, Lazy Old Fart barked the alarm that something good was coming. I pulled Bald One to the front yard to discover that Brown was in the area! Let me tell you what Brown can do for me... give me more cookies! The Brown pulled up threw three cookies- one for each of us. I deftly snatched mine out of the air and held onto it. (Long Hair makes fun of me for carrying bones around. What does she know? She needs a massive bagbig enough for ten of me could sleep in just to carry her chapstick. )Stick-in-the-Butt could not find hers- I had to point it out to her. She's pretty stupid. Then she devoured it in less than ten seconds! Lazy Old Fart finished his off in about 30 seconds. Not me. I brought mine inside, found a nice safe place, and enjoyed it over an extended period of time. That is why I am the more superior dog.

I watched part of a movie this afternoon- Barbed Wire with Pamela Anderson. It was terrible and she cannot act. There should be a Constitutional Ammendment barring her from appearing in moveis. At least she is better looking than Bald One. I hate him!

a storm is a brewin'!

Welcome to the greatest blog ever! A fan said so. All bow down before me and worship my cult of personality. Everyone should hang a portrait of me on their wall!

Stranger left today. I didn't get a chance to leave a suprise in his room. The Help says he will be back next week so I have plenty of time.

Did I ever tell you how much I like chocolate? Everyone says that it is bad for dogs but not me. No siree Bob- I love it! Ont time, Bald One left a giant chocolate bunny on his night stand. He was very excited about it- he got the two-pound rabbit at Walmart for 75 cents and was very proud of his find. Actually, it was my find! When he was out at what he calls his "job" I used my ninja skills to deftly snatch it! He had been nibbling on the ear, I ate the whole head and more! Then I crapped in the house. What a great day! Later, when Bald One discovered the truth, he got mad and whined and cried. What a loser... I hate him!

Short Hair finally figured out how to work her camera. She is so proud of herself- it can register a smile and won't take the picture until your lips curl. The camera is my friend; I am so photogenic. Of course she can't remember to take her purse with her when she goes to the store. Today she was almost arrested when she was pulled over without an ID.

I can't seem to find Stick-in-the-Butt. Maybe there is a storm coming!

Nasty A$$ Cat

So a cat decided to move in by the tennis courts. I hate cats! That's one place where Short Hair and I agree. Speaking of Short Hair, did I ever tell you that she is afraid of cats? Yesiree, Bob! I once saw her come shrieking into the house because she was outside and the neighbor's cat "looked at me!" What a whus. Me, I prefer to yell in my very shrill voice from the safety of the house. If the intruder cat gets too close I will quickly run upstairs and yell at it from there. I like the acoustics. Of course, that's when Bald One starts yelling at me! How dare he?! I hate him. He thinks watching the History Channel will make him get smarter. I didn't see much of Long Hair today. I forced her to go out and get a job. That way she can earn money to pay for new clothes for me to chew upon. Hey, is that a cat?!