Off of restriction

I am back! Stupid Bald One thought he could keep me off here forever. I hate him! oops! I mean, I respect his point of view. And his shiny forehead! What happened to him? Did he ever have hair? But I digress.

My grandparents are in town! It seems that my cousin Zooey is graduating from high school so they have come from the land of q-tips to visit. High school... who needs an education? I haven't attended a day of school and look how superior my intelligence is- I am Alpha! Everything I have learned is from surfing the internet or watching TV. Right now I am watching the first episode of Community. There is a lot ot be learned about college life from that one. I love that show. Much better than those Real Housewives shows Short Hair likes to watch. Nothing about those women is real- especially their boobs.

marathon girl

So I have actually been on two walks in a row. I feel like I am training for a marathon. The Help was all huffing and puffing up and down the streets while I was strutting my stuff. I swear Bald One was about to pass out. I hate him, he is such a jerk. Short Hair kept tripping over the curbs, what a klutz! And then there is Stick-in-the-Butt... she has to stop every 20 feet to pee. What puzzles me is how she can squeeze that much out so many times.

Birthday countdown- don't tell Long Hair I crapped on her comforter!

Musical Tuccus

Short hair has one nasty a$$. Tonight she was coughing and broke wind right in front of me. The bed rattled! Long Hair and Bald One (I hate him) were also witnesses if you don't believe me. I am okay with emissions but I hate when people get all high and mighty before they stink up the place. I guess she was worn out after I took her for a walk around the neighborhood.

Long Hair has a birthday coming up. Little does she know that I have a special present for her. When she least expects it I will deposit it in her room. I'll show her who is Alpha!

Hey, is anybody reading this?

It wasn't me!

Someone has been peeing in the house. So of course the Help blames me. I could hear Short Hair trash-talking me to Bald One. What do they know? I did not do it but I know who did. Notice that the pee stains appeared as Stranger returned from school... coincidence? I think not! He is a sketchy character. He and his lady friend, Twiggy.

Did I tell you that the Help is unemployed? Both Short Hair and Bald One (I hate him!) have lost their jobs. Stupid, incompetent, goofballs. This gives them more time to wait on me. One of them had better get a job soon... the queen will not go hungry!

All of my adoring fans... please leave a comment and let me know great I am!

Strut like a runway model!

Oh, this has been a busy week for me. I had some embarassing episodes but it ended with a pampering! And now Stranger is back.

Let's start with the embarassment... Long Hair and Short Hair were having a really boring conversation, I think it was about some little boy named Justin Bubblehead. Anywho, I tried to join in but they just shooshed me. I had to fart but this one had lumps! I sharted! So I headed over to jail, I knew what was coming. Short Hair locked me up while Long Hair proclaimed how excited she was that it didn't happen in her room.

But everything is okay now; I had a make-over and I look fabulous! Lady Gaga step aside! Stick-in-Butt got scared and pooped all over the place- what a whuss.

Bald One is all over himself. Apparently he created his own brew and is crowing about it and how it is ready to taste tonight. I hope it is skanky beer! I hate him!

Well, the weekend is finally here so I will have time to relax. It is hard work being the Queen!

spenders vs. savers

Today I learned something about the world- some dogs are spenders, others are savers. I ordered the Bald One to take me outside (Stick-in-the-Butt had to come of course) and as we wandering the back yard, Lazy Old Fart barked the alarm that something good was coming. I pulled Bald One to the front yard to discover that Brown was in the area! Let me tell you what Brown can do for me... give me more cookies! The Brown pulled up threw three cookies- one for each of us. I deftly snatched mine out of the air and held onto it. (Long Hair makes fun of me for carrying bones around. What does she know? She needs a massive bagbig enough for ten of me could sleep in just to carry her chapstick. )Stick-in-the-Butt could not find hers- I had to point it out to her. She's pretty stupid. Then she devoured it in less than ten seconds! Lazy Old Fart finished his off in about 30 seconds. Not me. I brought mine inside, found a nice safe place, and enjoyed it over an extended period of time. That is why I am the more superior dog.

I watched part of a movie this afternoon- Barbed Wire with Pamela Anderson. It was terrible and she cannot act. There should be a Constitutional Ammendment barring her from appearing in moveis. At least she is better looking than Bald One. I hate him!

a storm is a brewin'!

Welcome to the greatest blog ever! A fan said so. All bow down before me and worship my cult of personality. Everyone should hang a portrait of me on their wall!

Stranger left today. I didn't get a chance to leave a suprise in his room. The Help says he will be back next week so I have plenty of time.

Did I ever tell you how much I like chocolate? Everyone says that it is bad for dogs but not me. No siree Bob- I love it! Ont time, Bald One left a giant chocolate bunny on his night stand. He was very excited about it- he got the two-pound rabbit at Walmart for 75 cents and was very proud of his find. Actually, it was my find! When he was out at what he calls his "job" I used my ninja skills to deftly snatch it! He had been nibbling on the ear, I ate the whole head and more! Then I crapped in the house. What a great day! Later, when Bald One discovered the truth, he got mad and whined and cried. What a loser... I hate him!

Short Hair finally figured out how to work her camera. She is so proud of herself- it can register a smile and won't take the picture until your lips curl. The camera is my friend; I am so photogenic. Of course she can't remember to take her purse with her when she goes to the store. Today she was almost arrested when she was pulled over without an ID.

I can't seem to find Stick-in-the-Butt. Maybe there is a storm coming!

In addition...

I forgot to mention Short Hair. Did you know that she has a moustache? Kind of like Earl Hickey, from "My Name is Earl." Well, not anymore- she got that taken care of. I hate Bald One!

The World is my Toilet

A lot of my fans have been complaining that I haven't been posting this week. Up yours! I have been very busy. My most difficult challenge this week has been strategically timing my poops. Twice I was able to ambush Long Hair! She was mad and yelled at me so I bit her. Then I made her clean my mess. It is good to have the Help do all the work for you. Speaking of Long Hair, I sent her out to take a test this morning. So she can go to college. She'd better do well and get into a good school or I will punish her again.

Some guy showed up for the weekend, we'll call him Stranger. I've smelled him before. Everybody seems to love him, like he is Raymond or something. All I know is he should bow before the Queen; I rule this place!

I hate Bald One!