Def Leppard

Bald One did it again! He said he would be gone for "a little while" and then was gone for like forever! Apparently he drove some party people to the Heart/Def Leppard concert, or so he claims. He did not get home until 3am. Doesn't he know that in dog time he was gone for more than three days! I should leave him a "present" in the closet. I demand that he find a job with normal times. Preferably one with very few hours that pays him a lot of money and he can buy me the coolest toys and the fanciest foods. Only the finest for the Queen of the Trees!

On another note- Bald One is making me watch a show on Prairie "Dogs." Those are not dogs! They look more like squirrels. I hate squirrels. Damn freedom-hating squirrels. One day I will figure out how to get up a tree and then they will get it!

A Queen does what she wants

I just pooped in the house.  Bald One is pissed but he is cleaning it up, like the good Help he is.  I thought about telling him I needed to go but he was in the next room.  I am a busy person.

And why shouldn't a Queen poop where she pleases?  Let's look back into history at other Queens:

Mary I of England (Bloody Mary)- upon her coronation she announced "I will poop on all Protestants."

Catherine II (the Great) of Russia- "Expand our orders to the south so that I may poop in the Black Sea."

and let's not forget Marie Antoinette of France (originally from Austria), she is famous for one quote but it is incomplete; I will finish it for you- "Let them eat cake and clean up my poop!"  Just to set the record strait.

I will probably be spending some jail time with limited email access.  I hope they have cable.

It wasn't me!

Someone has been peeing in the house. So of course the Help blames me. I could hear Short Hair trash-talking me to Bald One. What do they know? I did not do it but I know who did. Notice that the pee stains appeared as Stranger returned from school... coincidence? I think not! He is a sketchy character. He and his lady friend, Twiggy.

Did I tell you that the Help is unemployed? Both Short Hair and Bald One (I hate him!) have lost their jobs. Stupid, incompetent, goofballs. This gives them more time to wait on me. One of them had better get a job soon... the queen will not go hungry!

All of my adoring fans... please leave a comment and let me know great I am!

Strut like a runway model!

Oh, this has been a busy week for me. I had some embarassing episodes but it ended with a pampering! And now Stranger is back.

Let's start with the embarassment... Long Hair and Short Hair were having a really boring conversation, I think it was about some little boy named Justin Bubblehead. Anywho, I tried to join in but they just shooshed me. I had to fart but this one had lumps! I sharted! So I headed over to jail, I knew what was coming. Short Hair locked me up while Long Hair proclaimed how excited she was that it didn't happen in her room.

But everything is okay now; I had a make-over and I look fabulous! Lady Gaga step aside! Stick-in-Butt got scared and pooped all over the place- what a whuss.

Bald One is all over himself. Apparently he created his own brew and is crowing about it and how it is ready to taste tonight. I hope it is skanky beer! I hate him!

Well, the weekend is finally here so I will have time to relax. It is hard work being the Queen!

a storm is a brewin'!

Welcome to the greatest blog ever! A fan said so. All bow down before me and worship my cult of personality. Everyone should hang a portrait of me on their wall!

Stranger left today. I didn't get a chance to leave a suprise in his room. The Help says he will be back next week so I have plenty of time.

Did I ever tell you how much I like chocolate? Everyone says that it is bad for dogs but not me. No siree Bob- I love it! Ont time, Bald One left a giant chocolate bunny on his night stand. He was very excited about it- he got the two-pound rabbit at Walmart for 75 cents and was very proud of his find. Actually, it was my find! When he was out at what he calls his "job" I used my ninja skills to deftly snatch it! He had been nibbling on the ear, I ate the whole head and more! Then I crapped in the house. What a great day! Later, when Bald One discovered the truth, he got mad and whined and cried. What a loser... I hate him!

Short Hair finally figured out how to work her camera. She is so proud of herself- it can register a smile and won't take the picture until your lips curl. The camera is my friend; I am so photogenic. Of course she can't remember to take her purse with her when she goes to the store. Today she was almost arrested when she was pulled over without an ID.

I can't seem to find Stick-in-the-Butt. Maybe there is a storm coming!

The World is my Toilet

A lot of my fans have been complaining that I haven't been posting this week. Up yours! I have been very busy. My most difficult challenge this week has been strategically timing my poops. Twice I was able to ambush Long Hair! She was mad and yelled at me so I bit her. Then I made her clean my mess. It is good to have the Help do all the work for you. Speaking of Long Hair, I sent her out to take a test this morning. So she can go to college. She'd better do well and get into a good school or I will punish her again.

Some guy showed up for the weekend, we'll call him Stranger. I've smelled him before. Everybody seems to love him, like he is Raymond or something. All I know is he should bow before the Queen; I rule this place!

I hate Bald One!