Where there is smoke, there is fire

This heat wave has been causing some problems! It has been so hot that the apartment has overheated. Yesterday Bald One decided to open the door to the balcony to let in some air. All kinds of bugs found their way in. Bald One was at the computer ignoring me (he said he had an important paper to write, I think he was up to something else) when a gigantic bug flew in- you could hear it! And it flew right into the halogen lamp and there was a loud zap- score one for us!

A little later I smelled something funny and then saw smoke coming out of the lamp. That dead bug had caught fire! The lamp went out and the apartment filled with smoke. Meanwhile, Bald One was ignoring the problem so I had to bark to get his attention. He panicked, screamed, and ran out of the apartment so I was forced to take action. First, I went into the hallway to pull the fire alarm. Unfortunately, the alarm was set about three feet off the ground. I jumped and jumped and could not reach it. So I came back inside to get the fire extinguisher. It was heavy but I managed to aim it at the lamp and put out the blaze, just before the sprinklers went off. Bald One eventually came back when things were safe was very thankful I rescued the apartment. What a wimp.

Maybe a little bit of that story was just a little bit inaccurate. But it's the way I choose history to remember me.

Murder most foul!

Something bad has happened to Beanie Bear! Unfortunately he has met an untimely demise. It seems that someone has cut his throat? Bald One blamed me but I had nothing to do with it. I suspect the mafia, or maybe that big grey dog on TV- you know, Wilfred, he is a major trouble maker. Check out the crime scene photos taken by CSI:

Notice the white beans all over the carpet. My analysis is that that is why they call them beanie babies. They are actually plastic beads. And someone pulled some of his internal organs out.


Who would do such a terrible thing to Beanie Bear? Could it be terrorists?  Mad Dog Gadafi in retribution for losing his dictatorship (he did threaten my toys)? The neighborhood maintenance crew? Or Bald One himself? He is unreliable and unsteady. Could explain why he disposed of the body without an autopsy.


Goodbye, Beanie Bear- you were a good toy.

Rough week

The last week was a tough one. Bald One ambushed me twice. I thought we were going for a ride to see friends or family but no-oh! The first trip ended at the Vet! I hate the vet- she is so mean. And they were poking me in the butt. What sadistic person would choose to do that? The second trip ended up at the groomer- what am I, royalty? Oh yeah, I am the queen! So now I am almost bald. Like Bald One, only much better looking!

Then the rat bastard left me in the cage all weekend while he went to work. Or so he claimed- I could smell the booze on him. He may be a jerk, but he always bring home the ice cream. This one is the best from Publix- try it and you won't be disappointed! They should pay me for the advertising.

Monsters of Florida

So Bald One took me to Florida last week. For the most part I was trapped inside Nanny and Poppys' house but I did get out for a few walks. Florida is full of all kinds of vicious monsters. I had Bald One take his camera for pictures of these beasts.

So this one is called the "Solvita Gator." It was on the edge of the pond and Bald One walked up to pet it- yes, he is that stupid. I had to intervervene and chase it into the water with a lot of barking and growling. This is the picture we got afterward:

We also encountered the "Solvita Sandcrane." These vicious beasts tried to team up against me but my ninja skills prevailed and I sent them to flight. Sure, they look innocent:

This one is called the "Solvita Egrit." I was sneaking up on it almost captured it when Bald One tripped over his feet and blew my cover. It called me all kinds of names before flying away:

I don't know what these last creatures are but we saw them too:

A dark day for America

What a terrible day for all of us! First Bald One gave me a bath and then the USA women lost in the tie-breaker shoot-out! Sneak attack by the Japanese!

Carsick

Got back from Florida last night! Finally! It was the longest drive of my long life. In doggy time I was trapped in that car for 84 hours! That idiot Bald One cannot drive.

First, there was heavy rain and Bald One kept slowing down. Then he and my cousin, Michael, could not decide where to eat so they kept driving around looking for a place. When they finally stopped somewhere, at Steak n Shake, they were inside for 7 doggy hours! Then we hit some construction in South Georgia that set us back another 7 doggy hours.

After getting some gas, Bald One forced me to eat a greenie. I did not want it! So I puked it up all over the car- on the seat, the console, and I think I got Michael. Bald One pulled over fast and those two flew out of the car. Then they had to clean. Teach them to mess with me- a queen does what she wants.

Just outside of Atlanta we got stuck in traffic again! Bald One ended up taking us all around Atlanta to avoid that. Then after dropping off Michael, Bald One stopped at Publix for groceries, leaving me in the car. I hate that guy. So I have been shunning him since.

Hey, USA women play Japan for the World Cup this afternoon- let's go Marianas Turkey Shoot on them!

Fire alarm works!

Talk about loud and obnoxious.

It's all rainy and thundery and I cannot go outside so I was just getting settled in for the night and Bald One was giving me a massage when... the fire alarm started going off! Not the smoke alarm in my hallway (stupid Bald One tore that thing apart thinking he could stop the noise) but the whole building alarm. What a piercing wail! Bald One was holding his ears and howling.

Of course we could not evacuate the building because it is a downpour! Talked to some of the neighbors in the breezeway and one suggested that lightning hit and set it off. Me, I think the alarm was set off by thieves who hoped to sneak in while everyone was out and steal my toys. Just let me at those thieves! I'll bark at them and bite their ankles! Tear them apart like a squirrel!

Djokovic supreme!

Have you been keeping up with Wimbledon? Bald One thinks he is a tennis player so we have been watching it on and off. Yesterday we watched Kvitova beat Shirapova. Bald One and I looked at each other- who is Kvitova? Grand Slam champion apparently. Then we watched the Bryan Brothers- what a pair! I think they are telepathically linked.

This morning I had to drag Bald One out of bed for Breakfast at Wimbledon. Breakfast of course was the garbage Bald One feeds me while he had yogurt and a banana. Great match! Nadal hit some really hard backhands. But we were really hoping the Joker would defeat the Picker.

Bald One said something about a bath after the match- oh crap!

sick rabbits

It was early in the morning yesterday when Bald One woke me up. He jumped out of bed and was shaking. Then he grabbed a couple of blankets that he wrapped up in and went back to bed. He seemed feverish so I curled up next to him to keep him warm. He must've gotten over it because he went running that day.

So last night we chased a rabbit! I was taking Bald One on his nighttime walk when we spotted a hare. As I crept closer, he ran into some bushes where I tracked him. So he hopped to another set of bushes. Rabbits are fast- faster than squirrels, perhaps? I hate squirrels! So I tracked him from bush to bush, flushing him into the open every time. I almost caught him several times but Bald One slowed me down. I could not let go of his leash- he would just wander the neighborhood yelling at me. Finally the rabbit got away. Stupid Bald One- I hate him!

Def Leppard

Bald One did it again! He said he would be gone for "a little while" and then was gone for like forever! Apparently he drove some party people to the Heart/Def Leppard concert, or so he claims. He did not get home until 3am. Doesn't he know that in dog time he was gone for more than three days! I should leave him a "present" in the closet. I demand that he find a job with normal times. Preferably one with very few hours that pays him a lot of money and he can buy me the coolest toys and the fanciest foods. Only the finest for the Queen of the Trees!

On another note- Bald One is making me watch a show on Prairie "Dogs." Those are not dogs! They look more like squirrels. I hate squirrels. Damn freedom-hating squirrels. One day I will figure out how to get up a tree and then they will get it!

RIP Rosie

Goodbye Rosie, we miss you and think about you every day.

Three things you loved:
1) your family
2) hiding your bones
3) ice cream

Three things you hated:
1) other dogs, especially George
2) storms
3) geting your picture taken

Curl up with Luke in doggie heaven.

bag o' rice

Somehow Bald One got his paws on a Costco card and came back will all kinds of junk: giant box of crackers, huge wheel of cheese, case of water. Why water? All he drinks is booze, the old sot. My favorite- the giant bag of rice. Like 20 pounds or something! No food for me but a big bag o' rice! How many years will it take Old Rice to eat all that rice? When I confonted him, he told he "got a good deal." Maybe he is planning to conduct a guerilla campaign from the swamp behind our apartment. That's guer-illa, not go-rilla. Anybody know what movie that is from?

I guess he feels justified going to Costco after driving those soccer moms to the country concert of Friday. At least this time he took me to the sitters instead of leaving me in my prison cell for hours on end. Sure I chewed on a few shoes and pooped on a few floors in my day (I even pooped in a shoe once- don't tell Long Hair), but does the punishment fit the crime?

Swagger Wagon

So Bald One put me in my cage yesterday and left- big deal. Then it got dark and very late. It felt like an eternity before he finally returned. I looked at the clock and it said 2:40 am. That rat bastard had been gone for more than 10 1/2 hours! He was up to something. I sniffed for a drug test- nothing. I sniffed for a woman- nada. I sniffed for alcohol- suspicious. So I made him take a breathalyzer- clean.

I had to call in the Spanish Inquisition- "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!" (where does that come from) and they put him in the torture chair. Eventually he confessed- he got a job! About time. He has a job driving a party bus and last night drove some drunks around for a bachelor party. How the mighty have fallen- he was once the great teacher and he now he drives the... Swagger Wagon.

Idiots and Dishwashers

Bald One was in a hurry to get to class and loaded regular dish detergent in the dishwasher. Soon a huge "cloud" of bubbles arose in the kitchen and approached my cage. I was afraid for my life! Eventually the blob started dying down but not for Bald One came back from class. He looked at the mess and then blamed me- the Rat Bastard! We made a video of the damages. Look how he humiliates me- I hate him!

Vengeance is mine!

Revenge is a dish best served cold. I think I heard that on a James Bond movie. But the death of Osama bin Laden is a dish we can all share. Just when we thought we would never get him, our moment has arrived.

Shaken Manchild Syndrome

Bald One may be an idiot but at lteast he doesn't live with his parents... at the moment. Although I do often feel the urge to shake some sense into him.


Cases Of Shaken Manchild Syndrome On The Rise

Observe what I do to this poor squirrel!

So I have been teaching Bald One how to use his Flip Camera and how to play catch.  Finally, after a lot of hard work, we can combine the two.

Check me out; I am a highly talented Queen of the Trees!

An old friend is now a guest

Rosie is staying with us this week.  I took one look at her and announced that she could not stay unless she got a haircut.  Bald One just returned with her- she looks good!  Ears are a little short though.  Don't mention that to her; she is a bit sensitive.

Well, it seems that I have a new follower.  Be careful Kim Jong Il- you know not whom you are messing with. I will destroy you, Mad Dog of East Asia. 

Eat more chicken!

Today while Bald One and I were checking the mail I discovered a hidden treasure in the bushes- a chicken bone!  I snatched that thing up quickly while Blad One yelled at me and jerked on his leash.  When I wouldn't let it go the brute had the audacity to pry open my mouth and pull it out.  I hate him!  I bit him and am proud to say that I drew first blood.  But he is strong and persistent; those visits to the gym have payed off.

I'm not sure what he did with it but I have my eye on him.  He is probably saving it for himself, the selfish jerk!

How about you?  Anybody ever steal something of value from you?