Idiots and Acorns

Somebody help me here- I am trapped with this idiot! I can get no relief.  Every morning is the same- I want to get up and he just lays there.  Later he spends most of his day on the computer- hard for me to get on my blog.  And he watches a lot of TV, rotting his brain. 

And then when we are walking, he keeps finding acorns and then kicks them.  I hate that!  Only idiots kick acorns.  I chase down the acorn but that only encourages him to kick it again so I have to snatch it up.  What a child!  Just so you know, acorns are tough to crack and don't taste very good. 

Speaking of idiots, check out this site dedicated to Kim Jong Il, the dictator of North Korea:

http://kimjongillookingatthings.tumblr.com/

I send my challenge out to Jing Jong (that's my pun on King Kong)- a duel of wits between me and you!  What you got?

It snowed!

The weather people were totally right!  Flurries most of the day.  Bald One whined and did not want to go outside but I drug him out anyway- I was afraid he would pee on the carpet.  I took the camera with me for some pictures.

I have been meaning to tell you that I have my very own swamp in the back.  I have decided to call it "Bald Swamp" in honor of the Bald One.  Check out my pictures- you can see a little snow.

I have even stocked my swamp with fowl. 

See my pet ducks?

See my pet geese- they can be really noisy sometimes!











Bald one was complaining that his fingers were getting cold so we went back in.  One of them turned black and had to be amputated- what a wuss!

Let it snow?

So there is a possiblity of snow coming up.  It has been pretty darn cold.  I hope it doesn't snow too hard, I might get lost in a snow drift.  Hey, check out this video of snow tubers and a douche bag:

A Day Which Will Live in Infamy

"Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?" -Bluto on Animal House.  One of the greatest movies ever made.  Don't you agree?

"And it's not over now!"

Oh Canada!

So it is freezing!  It is so cold... I convinced Bald One to turn on the heat!  Darn Arctic winds from Canada!  Has anything good ever come out of Canada?  Wayne Gretzky?  Rush?  Mike Myers?  Trivial Pursuit?  Nothing I tell you!  Except the bacon.

In case you were wondering about Bald One's tennis career- he was beat last week.  Just goes to show- there is always someone better than you.  Someone smarter than you, better looking than you, stronger, etc. On the flip side, whenever you feel down... there is always someone stupider than you, uglier, weaker, a bigger loser, etc. End result, the punk had better get a job because he is not bound for Wimbledon.

R.I.P. Luke

You warned us when people and dogs came by, and always greeted us when we returned home.

You chased away the coyotes and even helped Bald One defeat the deer.

You loved laying in your doggie beds, attacking George, and eating ice cream.

You were a patient dog, especially when forced to wear your doggie diapers or deal with puppy Aspen's shenanigans.

We will all miss you! Chase some cars in doggie heaven!

Happy Turkey Day!

Hello my adoring fans! If I have any...

So I am in Florida at my Nanny's house- she is an excellent cook! And Poppy is very generous with the food. He is a great griller! Hopefully something good will come my way today. All I have to do is use my best begging skills.

I've got to tell you about this idiot, Bald One. Since he has been running back home he thinks he is some kind of marathoner. Yesterday he went to the neighborhood gym and today he went for a run... and never came back. Some neighbors picked him up hobbling along the side of the road and delivered him to us. He crawled into the house an hour later complaining of shin splints. What a wuss! He smeared Tiger Balm all over one leg and actually smells good for once.

Have a happy Thanksgiving and if you go shopping tomorrow morning, happy hunting!

Florida!

So Bald One brought me to Florida to see my Nanny and Poppy. He got me up real early this morning- before the butt crack of dawn- to drive down here. I would've helped drive but I'm only two and don't have my permit yet.

Along the way I made some observations of various drivers:
1) The Left Lane Hog: this guy stays in the left lane and drives slow enough to build a long line of cars behind him. Get over, you Jackass!!
2) The Indecisive Speeder: this person is easy to spot- he drives slow and you pass him then suddenly he speeds up to pass you. Then a few minutes later you are passing him again. That's what cruise control is for, Goofball!!
3) The Truck Jerk: ever notice that the giant truck drifts into your lane just as you are passing him? Suddenly you are in the median! Thanks a lot, Jerk!
4) The Right Lane Passer: this impatient person blasts past everyone on the right hand side, challenging everyone to do something about it. Where is your etiquette? Pass on the left, Doofus!
5) The Cell Phone Drifter: ever see a car or truck drifting aimlessly from lane to lane with random speed changes? As you drive by, notice the cell phone at his ear. That's what the handless is for, Stupidhead!

I made it safe and sound. And Poppy gave me some chicken earlier. I just may ditch Bald One and stay here, I hate him anyway! Turkey Day is almost here! What plans do you have?

Six Loads!

Busy day today- I finally got Bald One to give me a bath. I feel and smell much better now. That Bald One is getting lazy- it's a good thing I am still here to boss him around now. Afterward, I made him shave and take a shower. I think it has been about a week now since he last bathed.

Can't clean up without doing laundry. Bald One has really gotten lazy- three weeks of clothes! I had to go with him to the laundry facility to supervise his activities. Six loads! Luckily no one else was there, we took over most of the machines. With a little nudging from me, he got all the clothes folded and even put away when we got home. You know, I only saw a few pairs of underwear in there- this guy is disgusting.

Tennis update- Bald One won another round of playoffs (the first-128- was on Friday)- he is now off to the round of 32. He may not be smart, but he is brutish on the courts.

Dinner tonight- I had a sausages and the dried crap Bald One feeds me. He had burned pot stickers and steamed vegetables. I really would've liked a bite.

Six loads!

It's a teethbrush!

So Bald One must've been reading my blog...

He completed his research paper today and was walking with a smug smile, like he just cured cancer or something. Then he decided to run at Kennesaw Mountain again- I did not think he would do it.

The worst thing is... he tried to brush my teeth! First he let me taste some minty but nasty substance. Then he pinned me down and stuck a toothbrush in there. It was awful, I hate that dirty rat! I will get him back some day. Aspen does not get mad, she gets even.

On the upside, while Bald One was at school I changed the channel to watch AMC- Aliens was on- one awesome movie there. Ever wonder why awesome keeps the "e" while awful does not?

Rain is clearing up!

Help me, I am about to crazy here! Ever since Short Hair sent us away I have been stuck with Bald One. I am really getting tired of his rancid breath. Can you believe he had the audacity to tell me that it is my breath that stinks? As if! For Christmas I will buy him some new mouthwash; obviously that "Latrine" stuff he is gargling is not working.

I get caged up here quite a bit. On Sunday Bald One left me in my cage to go running around Kennesaw Mountain. I would've gone but the exercise is just not for me. He was all proud of himself, boasting about how far he ran- I think he said 50 feet? It has been raining for days keeping us inside. Looks like that is clearing up now. We'll see if he runs again or just stays lazy.

Bald One has been working on some kind of research paper for days now. At least he thinks that what he is doing. I have observed a lot of surfing the Internet and scratching of the armpits. He thinks getting more education will make him better than me! I never attended a day of classes after puppy training and look at me- I have my own blog!

Queen of the Trees

Hello all my adoring fans! Like MacArthur, I have returned! Sorry for my absence but things have changed. Bald One and I are now living in a tiny attic in some building somewhere. A change from the basement and a lot smaller. Before we departed, I left a "present" in Long Hair's closet. We'll see how long it takes her to notice.

The cable guy showed up today and I kept him in line. He finished his job quickly and will likely not be back. Constant growling and a few nips on the ankles was all it took to get him to do a good job.

A Queen does what she wants

I just pooped in the house.  Bald One is pissed but he is cleaning it up, like the good Help he is.  I thought about telling him I needed to go but he was in the next room.  I am a busy person.

And why shouldn't a Queen poop where she pleases?  Let's look back into history at other Queens:

Mary I of England (Bloody Mary)- upon her coronation she announced "I will poop on all Protestants."

Catherine II (the Great) of Russia- "Expand our orders to the south so that I may poop in the Black Sea."

and let's not forget Marie Antoinette of France (originally from Austria), she is famous for one quote but it is incomplete; I will finish it for you- "Let them eat cake and clean up my poop!"  Just to set the record strait.

I will probably be spending some jail time with limited email access.  I hope they have cable.

Bald One vs. Harley Davidson

I heard this story about the time Bald One and Short Hair rented a scooter in Mexico while on their honeymoon. Apparently Bald One is not a good driver.  This is actual footage of what happened.

FAIL - Church Biker - watch more funny videos

Toll Booth Willie

Short Hair has been very frustrated with her drive to work.  The security cameras caught her last week trying to take a short cut to get to work faster.

FAIL - Crazy Woman Jumps Tollbooth in Her Car - watch more funny videos

Pink Ribbon

Another ambush from Bald One.  I hate him!

Yesterday Stick in the Butt and I went for our morning walk, dragging Bald One along with us.  He is really a grouch on these walks.  First, we have to drag him out of bed.  It requires a lot of whining by Stick in the Butt and scratching from me (I have mastered the art of scratching my face at a very loud volume).  Once we get him up we have to get coffee into him. Then after a visit to the bathroom he is ready to go. Rarely does he brush his teeth- disgusting!  On the walk, we go ahead on point, dragging Bald One.  Humans really should use all four limbs when walking.  We head down Menlo Drive and up to the top of the hill.  Bald One can barely make it. Then we roll him back down and hike to the pool.  We stop for a drink at the fountain- we make Bald One carry a portable bowl- and then it is back home.

I should've known something was up.  As hard as we tried, we could not get Bald One up the hill.  Skipping that part of the walk shortened our walk by five minutes- that's 35 minutes in dog-time!  And when we got home- the leashes did not come off.  He hustled us into his car for a ride.  At first I was excited- vacation time!  But wait, there was no luggage!  Stick in the Butt panicked- we were going to the vet!  We tried to escape, but Bald One locked all the doors.  We cried and we fought him, all in vain.  However, when the car stopped, we were not at the vet.  Bald One took us inside a building- there were no people but lots of dog paraphernelia all around.  It was eerie.  Then in came THE MEAN LADY- I fought her tooth and nail to no avail- she drug me into the back room.  There I was forced to fight for my life against a mob of humans but in the end I was humiliated.  Look what they did to me!

Classy girl looking for a man with a stable job.

I am Stick in the Butt but you can call me Rosie.  My hobbies include barking at the neighbors, hiding under beds, and romantic comedies starring Jackie Chan.  I mean the world to you.  You shower me with gifts. You provide me with lots of bling.  You are a handsome man and compliment me often. You have the power to make the thunder go away- that is not negotiable.

If you have the goods to take care of me, leave a comment and post a picture of your bling.

Looking for my soulmate.

I am Lazy Old Fart but you can call me Luke.  My number one goal is to please you.  My hobbies include playing fetch, howling up the neighborhood, and sunset walks on the beach.  You are a gentle lady and don't want kids- I've been snipped anyway.  You are looking for the man who will treat you the way you've always deserved.  I will roll the last meatball to you, just like the Tramp.  You don't mind a guy who eats poop; that is not negotiable. 

If interested, leave a note in the comments section... romance is just around the corner.

Aspen and Family

Take the Brain Quiz... you know you want to!

So nobody wants to take the brain quiz... come on. Succumb to the peer pressure that is me and do it. All the cool kids are. Bill Gates has promised to donate $10 for everyone who takes the brain quiz and posts the results. See my previous blog for the quiz. All proceeds go to "The Human Fund." This is legit.


Here are some more interesting workout people Bald One was talking about from the gym:

5) the hider. This guy is hiding from his wife in the gym. He spends hours there every day. Actual phone conversation: "Honey, I need you to head home and pick up some tampons on the way." "I can't dear; I have 17 more sets to pump up my flactoid. See you next week!" Coward.

6) the delusional. This person thinks he is working out hard but is lifting only ten pounds! "I did 2 sets of 10 reps on the chest press today! Feel my muscles?" 200 whole pounds...you didn't exert yourself- no pain, no gain! Wimp.

7) the FONG... or Fat Old Naked Guy. He hangs out in the bathroom a lot. He is old, he is fat, and he is naked! His junk is exposed as he shaves wearing only flip flops. Does this man have a home? The horror... the horror.

Did I miss anyone? Have you observed any interesting people at the gym?

Left Brain? Right Brain! Are you using either side?

Bald One and I took this brain quiz. We are left brain dominant (score of 11) and right brain reclusive (score of 7). So much for left handers being in their right mind. Take this simple quiz and post your results! We'll see who uses their brain...

Right Brain/ Left Brain Quiz The higher of these two numbers below indicates which side of your brain has dominance in your life. Realising your right brain/left brain tendancy will help you interact with and to understand others. Left Brain Dominance: (11) Right Brain Dominance: (7) Right Brain/ Left Brain Quiz

Believe me now or believe me later, I will pump you up!

Today was "take your daughter to workout day" so Bald One took me to the gym. It made for an exciting afternoon. Bald One started with a run on the tread mill. I decided to run on the one next to him. He huffed and puffed but could only clear half a mile in 30 minutes. In the same time I trotted over 4 miles. That guy is slow! Then we went into the weight machine area. Bald One spent most of his time staring glassy eyed out the window. Occasionally he scratched his butt and once he picked his nose. Then he would move to another machine. Me, I lifted over 500,000 pounds! As I cruised around the gym, hordes of kids followed me around, similar to a Rocky movie. Someone was singing a song- "Getting stronger...."

While at the gym I made some observations about people. I will of course share a few:
1) the talker. This person sits on the machine. Maybe he is finished, maybe he hasn't even started yet. He gets involved in a conversation and stops the workout. Meanwhile, I am waiting for the machine. Jerk.

2) the camper. This guy occupies one machine for a long period of time, doing multiple sets. Meanwhile, I am waiting for the machine. Just when I think you are done, another set! Bastard.
(Although I would never call you this to your face- you are usually built like Buff Bagwell. Anybody remember him?)

3) the phonester. This hipster needs to talk during his workout. While peddling the exercise bike, walking laps, or trying to lift weights. That last one is amusing to watch- one hand holding the phone to the ear, talking louding, trying to bench press at the same time. Goofball.

4) the looker. This one isn't really serious about the workout. He usually wears a muscle shirt and walks around, looking at the equipment. When he sees a vulnerable looking woman he'll move in for a conversation. He moves around a lot, looking busy, but not there to break a sweat. You think you're cool, but I'm onto you. Doofus.

Olfactory Senses

I was touring the backyard when I heard some rustling in the brush. I turned around and motioned Bald One to be silent. His big butt can be quite noisy sometimes- ha ha! I crept up to the edge of the brush to check it out. My olfactory senses detected prey! Did you know that dogs are superior to humans in that we can smell a thousand times better than you? That's why we are always sniffing- looking for food, looking for trouble, and when we smell butts, we can tell precisely when that person last farted. But I digress...

I smelled and looked and there it was- a brown hoppy thingy. It stood up tall and looked around- my what big ears it had! I noticed its eyes- they were set in the sides of the head so it could see all around, looking for predators. Me, my eyes are set in the front, looking forward, because I am the predator. I signalled Bald One to release me from the leash, he did. I crept forward to get into attack position. It did not see me so I prepared to pounce. Just then, Stick in the Butt started barking and my cover was blown. The brown hoppy thingy took off hopping- it was fast! I burst through the brush after it and ran headlong into a tall hard thingy. Ouch my head hurt! Bald One laughed at me and said it was called a "tree." I really hate that guy!

Please, tell me how much you hate the Bald One. Has he done anything horrible to you? I'll bet he has.

Bird has flown

Did I tell you about my pet bird? A few weeks ago I noticed some rustling in one of Short One's outdoor hanging flowers so I told Bald One to check it out. Just then, a bird flew away. Bald One grabbed the pot and brought it down for my inspection. Sure enough, there was a nest with a few eggs in it. In a few days, one of them hatched. I decided to name him Junior and I nutured him by checking on him every day and giving him water. Isn't he a cutie?! This morning when I ordered Bald One to bring him down so I could see, he was gone! I guess Junior grew up and flew away. I am a little sad. Now all I need is for Bald One to grow up and fly away- I hate that guy!

Mom came home!

So it rained today. Not the afternoon storm with showers that quickly fade away but rain all morning. I really wanted to go for my morning run but Bald One was afraid to get wet. I hate that guy, what a wimp. Eventually after a lot poking, prodding, and then biting his ear, I drug him out for a walk. Stick in the Butt and I got a little wet, but we had the sidewalks to ourselves.



So my mom came home last night! I couldn't wait to go pick her up. I had to drag Bald One out of the house to go her. I needed him because I still don't have my license and I was afraid of being pulled over for texting. It is the law! Plus I have trouble reaching the pedals- that's where Bald One comes in handy- I still hate him, but he has his uses. Mom had to come home and save me from the abuse. Look at this: is Long Hair going to sit on me or worse?

Vacation

I saw another brown hoppy thingy today- they are everywhere! This place is becoming infested like Australia. I took off after it but crashed into this wire metal thingy. Bald One laughed at me and told me it was called a "fence." Whose idea was that? Why keep a dog from her prey? Let me loose and I will take care of the brown hoppy thingy problem.

So now I understand how Forrest Gump felt every time someone asked him where his father was. People keep asking me where my mother is (for those of you who don't know, that's Short Hair), and all I can say is "vacation!" She went to Kentucky (I am so jealous) one week, New York City (more jealous) last week, and is in Chicago now (JEALOUS!). Just last night I overheard her talking on the computer machine saying she will be in New York again next week! She has been leaving me all alone with this psycho Bald One- I hate it! He wakes me up early every morning for wind sprints up and down the hills of my neighbrohood. He is wearing me out! Now he is taking Stick in the Butt and I for wind sprints in the evening. I can't take it anymore! Aren't moms supposed to protect us? What is this- "The Biggest Loser" for dogs? I need a vacation from the Help. Sucks to be me.

I miss my mom!

Rabbit Season! Duck Season! Rabbit Season!

Stick in the Butt and I were exploring the backyard when we came across this brown hoppy thingy. It was really exciting! Stick in the Butt was growling in fear while I was barking excitedly, ready to chase him down and make him my biyatch. Right when I tore off after it Bald One jerked my leash- I hate that jerk! The hoppy thingy escaped into the bushes so we growled and barked at it, daring it to come back onto our turf. Next time we will teach it a lesson.

Here is an actual conversation between Long Hair and Bald One- get a load of these two:
Long Hair: ummmm, I'll be like working tomorrow, ummm I have to be there at 10:00.
Bald One: so what time do you need to leave, I say I say?
Long Hair: ummm, I leave like at 9:30.
Bald One: so how long does it take to get there, I say I say?
Long: ummm, about eight minutes. But sometimes there is like, you know, traffic.
Bald One: How much traffic are you expecting at 9:30 in the morning that you are allowing for 22 extra minutes, I say I say?
Long Hair: well, ummm, I have to be there 15 minutes early, you know?
Bald One: so you have to be there at 9:45, not 10.

So what happened to all the futbol nuts? Stranger and Bald One would plop their fat butts on the couch and watch soccer matches all the time. It was all over the news. And since Saturday, all is quiet on the Western Front. Where did all the fans go?

Ambush!

Yesterday we had two good ambushes. Bald One got me first- he is one Tricky Dick Jerk- I hate him! He lured me upstairs and then trapped me in the bathroom. No amount of growling or running in circles could save me. He gave me a bath and I hated it! The water on my blonde hair, soaking me like a drowned rat. On the upside, I do smell better now.

Looking to strike back, I decided that Long Hair would feel my wrath. Did I ever tell you that she is afraid of puppets? I could not reach that high so I manipulated Bald One (he is my puppet) to place the marionette in Long Hair's closet. She spazzed out and went screaming through the house, accusing everyone, especially Bald One. It is kind of creepy looking, don't you agree?

So how about you? Has anyone ever ambushed you? Or do you like to ambush people? What is your favorite ambush?

The return of the Younglings

Long Hair and Stranger have finally returned! They were gone for what seemed like doggie years! Stranger kind of comes and goes as he pleases, but I am not used to Long Hair taking off like that. I think she went to California to get rich and famous. She keeps talking about that. And everybody knows that is the place to go. But wait! Bald One (I hate him!) is from California. I heard talking about it the other day. Is he rich? No, he can't even hold a job! Is he famous? No, unless you count his picture in the AJC the other day, in the background, picking his ear wax. Did I ever tell you that he is obsessed with ear hairs? He is always plucking them! Me, I like lots of ear hair. Keeps the mites away. Short Hair was very excited to see her pups return. I am glad they have returned- more underwear for me to sniff out and hide!

No wait, I did see Bald One on TV once- it was America's Most Wanted. What about you? Are your parents wanted by the law? Should they be?

I am still Alpha!

Did I ever tell you about the time that Long Hair and Bald One had a contest to see who could go the longest without showering? Long Hair won- five days! There's one to make momma proud. Me, I hate baths. Except for the drying off process- I feel like I am getting a massage. This is coming up because Bald One- I hate him!- has been threatening to give me a bath. I presented him with an ultimatum- I wake him at 6 every day with my awesome morning breath or he backs down. So far he is staying in his place. As he should.

Dog Abuse!

I was digging through my old puppy pictures and look what I found! This is abuse on so many levels. Bald One must have come up with this brilliant idea- I hate him.

1) They are keeping me in a plastic container! Since when was it appropriate to keep people in a storage bin? Are they getting ready to put me in the closet, to be pulled out next spring when the weather changes?

2) They have got me on the stove! What are they planning to do- cook me? Hot dog for sure! Bald One keeps talking about how his favorite food is a hot dog- I never realized he was a cannibal.

3) I am very high off the floor! Say I use my superior leaping skills, jump the edge of the container, and then plunge hundreds of feet to the floor, breaking one of my beautiful paws? Do these fools even have me covered on their insurance?

How about you, how have you been abused by the Help?

Off of restriction

I am back! Stupid Bald One thought he could keep me off here forever. I hate him! oops! I mean, I respect his point of view. And his shiny forehead! What happened to him? Did he ever have hair? But I digress.

My grandparents are in town! It seems that my cousin Zooey is graduating from high school so they have come from the land of q-tips to visit. High school... who needs an education? I haven't attended a day of school and look how superior my intelligence is- I am Alpha! Everything I have learned is from surfing the internet or watching TV. Right now I am watching the first episode of Community. There is a lot ot be learned about college life from that one. I love that show. Much better than those Real Housewives shows Short Hair likes to watch. Nothing about those women is real- especially their boobs.

marathon girl

So I have actually been on two walks in a row. I feel like I am training for a marathon. The Help was all huffing and puffing up and down the streets while I was strutting my stuff. I swear Bald One was about to pass out. I hate him, he is such a jerk. Short Hair kept tripping over the curbs, what a klutz! And then there is Stick-in-the-Butt... she has to stop every 20 feet to pee. What puzzles me is how she can squeeze that much out so many times.

Birthday countdown- don't tell Long Hair I crapped on her comforter!

Musical Tuccus

Short hair has one nasty a$$. Tonight she was coughing and broke wind right in front of me. The bed rattled! Long Hair and Bald One (I hate him) were also witnesses if you don't believe me. I am okay with emissions but I hate when people get all high and mighty before they stink up the place. I guess she was worn out after I took her for a walk around the neighborhood.

Long Hair has a birthday coming up. Little does she know that I have a special present for her. When she least expects it I will deposit it in her room. I'll show her who is Alpha!

Hey, is anybody reading this?

It wasn't me!

Someone has been peeing in the house. So of course the Help blames me. I could hear Short Hair trash-talking me to Bald One. What do they know? I did not do it but I know who did. Notice that the pee stains appeared as Stranger returned from school... coincidence? I think not! He is a sketchy character. He and his lady friend, Twiggy.

Did I tell you that the Help is unemployed? Both Short Hair and Bald One (I hate him!) have lost their jobs. Stupid, incompetent, goofballs. This gives them more time to wait on me. One of them had better get a job soon... the queen will not go hungry!

All of my adoring fans... please leave a comment and let me know great I am!

Strut like a runway model!

Oh, this has been a busy week for me. I had some embarassing episodes but it ended with a pampering! And now Stranger is back.

Let's start with the embarassment... Long Hair and Short Hair were having a really boring conversation, I think it was about some little boy named Justin Bubblehead. Anywho, I tried to join in but they just shooshed me. I had to fart but this one had lumps! I sharted! So I headed over to jail, I knew what was coming. Short Hair locked me up while Long Hair proclaimed how excited she was that it didn't happen in her room.

But everything is okay now; I had a make-over and I look fabulous! Lady Gaga step aside! Stick-in-Butt got scared and pooped all over the place- what a whuss.

Bald One is all over himself. Apparently he created his own brew and is crowing about it and how it is ready to taste tonight. I hope it is skanky beer! I hate him!

Well, the weekend is finally here so I will have time to relax. It is hard work being the Queen!

spenders vs. savers

Today I learned something about the world- some dogs are spenders, others are savers. I ordered the Bald One to take me outside (Stick-in-the-Butt had to come of course) and as we wandering the back yard, Lazy Old Fart barked the alarm that something good was coming. I pulled Bald One to the front yard to discover that Brown was in the area! Let me tell you what Brown can do for me... give me more cookies! The Brown pulled up threw three cookies- one for each of us. I deftly snatched mine out of the air and held onto it. (Long Hair makes fun of me for carrying bones around. What does she know? She needs a massive bagbig enough for ten of me could sleep in just to carry her chapstick. )Stick-in-the-Butt could not find hers- I had to point it out to her. She's pretty stupid. Then she devoured it in less than ten seconds! Lazy Old Fart finished his off in about 30 seconds. Not me. I brought mine inside, found a nice safe place, and enjoyed it over an extended period of time. That is why I am the more superior dog.

I watched part of a movie this afternoon- Barbed Wire with Pamela Anderson. It was terrible and she cannot act. There should be a Constitutional Ammendment barring her from appearing in moveis. At least she is better looking than Bald One. I hate him!

a storm is a brewin'!

Welcome to the greatest blog ever! A fan said so. All bow down before me and worship my cult of personality. Everyone should hang a portrait of me on their wall!

Stranger left today. I didn't get a chance to leave a suprise in his room. The Help says he will be back next week so I have plenty of time.

Did I ever tell you how much I like chocolate? Everyone says that it is bad for dogs but not me. No siree Bob- I love it! Ont time, Bald One left a giant chocolate bunny on his night stand. He was very excited about it- he got the two-pound rabbit at Walmart for 75 cents and was very proud of his find. Actually, it was my find! When he was out at what he calls his "job" I used my ninja skills to deftly snatch it! He had been nibbling on the ear, I ate the whole head and more! Then I crapped in the house. What a great day! Later, when Bald One discovered the truth, he got mad and whined and cried. What a loser... I hate him!

Short Hair finally figured out how to work her camera. She is so proud of herself- it can register a smile and won't take the picture until your lips curl. The camera is my friend; I am so photogenic. Of course she can't remember to take her purse with her when she goes to the store. Today she was almost arrested when she was pulled over without an ID.

I can't seem to find Stick-in-the-Butt. Maybe there is a storm coming!

In addition...

I forgot to mention Short Hair. Did you know that she has a moustache? Kind of like Earl Hickey, from "My Name is Earl." Well, not anymore- she got that taken care of. I hate Bald One!

The World is my Toilet

A lot of my fans have been complaining that I haven't been posting this week. Up yours! I have been very busy. My most difficult challenge this week has been strategically timing my poops. Twice I was able to ambush Long Hair! She was mad and yelled at me so I bit her. Then I made her clean my mess. It is good to have the Help do all the work for you. Speaking of Long Hair, I sent her out to take a test this morning. So she can go to college. She'd better do well and get into a good school or I will punish her again.

Some guy showed up for the weekend, we'll call him Stranger. I've smelled him before. Everybody seems to love him, like he is Raymond or something. All I know is he should bow before the Queen; I rule this place!

I hate Bald One!

Threat to National Security

So I was watching CNN with the Help (Short Hair and Bald One- I hate him), and we saw a segment about generals saying that school lunches are a threat to national security... making teenagers too fat for military service. What these kids need is me! I will whip them into shape! I will yell at them "bark, bark!" oops,I mean, "Run, fat boy, run!" And if they aren't fast enough I will bite their ankles. Long Hair knows what I'm talking about.

Nasty A$$ Cat

So a cat decided to move in by the tennis courts. I hate cats! That's one place where Short Hair and I agree. Speaking of Short Hair, did I ever tell you that she is afraid of cats? Yesiree, Bob! I once saw her come shrieking into the house because she was outside and the neighbor's cat "looked at me!" What a whus. Me, I prefer to yell in my very shrill voice from the safety of the house. If the intruder cat gets too close I will quickly run upstairs and yell at it from there. I like the acoustics. Of course, that's when Bald One starts yelling at me! How dare he?! I hate him. He thinks watching the History Channel will make him get smarter. I didn't see much of Long Hair today. I forced her to go out and get a job. That way she can earn money to pay for new clothes for me to chew upon. Hey, is that a cat?!

I am the Alpha!

Spent the night in jail. I hate the Bald One. He is always on my case: “Poop outside, not in the house!” Who does he think he is, Alpha? I always get my revenge. Short Hair always blames him when I fart. Man, does she yell at him. I always get the last laugh. He does give good rubdowns. Maybe I am the Alpha.
I blocked Stick-in-the-Butt from getting onto the resting area today. She thought she could get past my defensive moves. I juked left- she fell for it and went to my right- I blocked and she wiped out. Short hair yelled at me. Who does she think she is, Alpha?
Lazy Old Fart spent the day outside. He spends most of his time laying around. I think I saw him once. He was walking around drooling; maybe he should be sent to a farm.
Long Hair saw me for a little bit today. I bit her. She thinks she’s Alpha; what does she know?
I hope the short hair doesn’t figure out that I crapped in her shoe. The grey one by the door. Sometimes you just have to go.
I am the Alpha!

Ice Cream!

Tonight the Bald One had ice cream. I demanded my cut and he provided... sucker! Little do the people know that I am lactose intolerant. Tonight I will break wind and Short Hair will yell at Bald One and smack him. Yep! Life is good.

I am Alpha!

These stupid people keep telling me to stop talking. They spend the whole day yaking away and then they get on my case when I say hello to the neighbors. Especially the Bald One, I really hate him.